I am having a nervous breakdown.

Well, here I am.I haven’t posted in a long time because it wouldn’t be pretty. It’d be me trying to sort through everything that has happened since February, and it’s been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. A couple of ups, but mostly lots of downs.No one likes that Debbie Downer friend or the passive aggressive status message on Facebook friend, and I’ve been both various times lately. Which might explain why certain people don’t talk to me anymore, which adds to why I feel sad, but hey, I don’t blame her, them, whatever. But it does break my heart.I know things could be worse, truly I do, and I remind myself such daily. I have tons and tons to be grateful for, but one can’t help wishing for more. It used to be Monica Wants but lately Monica Wants Sleep. Monica Wants Peace. Monica Wants Calm. Monica Wants Happiness.And at this moment, I am crying. I have been wanting to cry all day and didn’t have the strength.I missed my blogaversary or however that is supposed to be spelled. I missed my birthday. I missed my wedding anniversary. Those are all cool days and milestones that I could have blogged about and instead I have spent it just wallowing. Feeling so helpless.I even stopped tweeting for awhile, and I used to tweet a TON. I mean, like really, an insane amount.I’m not going to go into what has been going on since a public blog on the internet isn’t the safest place for a person like me to go off and vent on in this particular case, but I guess I am writing this post to try and bring some closure to this dark place I’ve been in. I am going to try and not feel so sad anymore.Tomorrow something is going to happen, and either way, it is not going to work out in my favor. I am somewhat at peace with that, though I won’t lie and say I am not scared. I am terrified because this isn’t something I ever thought would happen to me. ME. The over-achiever. The nerd. The perfectionist.But sometimes a mole bites you in the ass, and you gotta suffer the consequences.So, with that being said, I look forward to quite a few things on this blog.First of all, I have some projects I need to work on here at home that I want to share with you all. Being crafty makes me happy 99% of the time, so I want to get back into spray paint mode.Second, I am going to give my blog a much needed facelift/makeover. I need to be brave and get away from my fave color scheme of black/white/hot pink.Third, I need to post recipes and such. Being sad can either help you lose weight or help you gain weight, and I’ve packed on some pounds this year that need to be taken off with some healthy, yummy recipes.Fourth, I got a Nikon DSLR camera that I am in LOVE with. I need to practice using it some more, so maybe I’ll hop onto the Wordless Wednesday/picture post bandwagon.Fifth, I hope to blog more often. Though the walls of my life seem to be crumbling around me, I still have the solid foundation of my family, friends, and Pee Wee to keep me grounded and protected during this rough patch in my life. To those who have stuck by me and been my friend during these past few months, I cannot thank you enough.So, until next time, I leave you with a quote that my Facebook friend Kara posted this evening that inspired this post and eloquently explained the root of my problems:

“We rarely succeed at anything unless we have fun doing it.”



  1. tina
    June 2, 2010 / 3:46 am

    Hi, there! I just wanted you to know that i was really glad to see you post something again after so long…you've definitely been missed…and i'm so sorry to hear that things haven't been super swell with you since feb…but i do hope that you're able to get back to a good place again soon. i too – have super slacked on my blog – but my reasons were mostly pure laziness. anyhoo – i just wanted to let you know also that i just lifted up a prayer for you. and am sending you an "air hug" 🙂 oh and congrats on the DSLR – how exciting!!! ;O)

  2. Gwen
    June 2, 2010 / 3:46 am

    I am a complete ass! I am so sorry that you have been in a bad place and I didn't reach out to see what was up. I have been an ass because I just assumed you were busy and going in a different direction, & that is why you were being quiet. I saw the new jewelry and thought, you go girl! Not, why hasn't she blogged about this change, or why isn't she tweeting me some PW Love. I am very sorry and wish that I could give you a hug. Hell, I wish that I hadn't been so caught up in my own new direction to realize that you were AWOL. You Rock. Life sucks and trust me, most things in life pass. You think that they will break you, but a few years from now you realize, hey, that made me stronger and the cool chic that I am today. (Trust me, I have ten years on you, remember?)Remember this, TX may be far from CA, but that doesn't mean that I won't come over there and kick your but. I have always wanted to try Tex-Mex anyway.

  3. Embellished Bayou
    June 2, 2010 / 5:28 am

    I've been missing your blog posts! I haven't been on Twitter as much either, it just kind of lost the appeal for me.You know you've got plenty of "virtual" friends out here for support! Believe me, you're young, and whatever happens, you will bounce back. As bad as it seems in this moment, you will look back on this experience years from now and know you have grown from it. I've been laid off twice and both times it was for the best. If one door closes, another will open, even if the lock gets stuck for a while!Good luck!

  4. Rita
    June 2, 2010 / 2:26 pm

    Dear Monica,I'm reading your post and seeing so much of myself in you. I don't know what the past few months have brought you, but the place you are in now sounds a lot like where I've been. Not blogging, not tweeting, not painting, and all the while just wanting to crawl in a bed and sleep the days away. when I read your list of things TO DO, it's amazing how similar we are. Sometimes I feel lists are like action items I need to do in order to know I can actually cross things off and say I did something. I hope you keep blogging even if it's not for anyone but yourself. Even if you don't read the comments or see if anyone is reading. I hope you do it for yourself. It may help more than you know. And know that us followers will not be upset if you don't post a picture on Wednesday or a recipe on any other day. We won't stop following if you you're not posting regularly. We'd just like to know that you're out there and your ok from time to time. So from one Texas girl to another, remember you have a freind,Rita

  5. Anonymous
    June 2, 2010 / 3:30 pm

    Moncia, (yes you know i did it on purpose)I'm glad you were able to cry. Many times I am feeling down for various reasons, crying always makes me feel better. I used to think crying was a weakness, but it helps to let those emotions come out. You know I am here for you to vent to, yell at, scream at, anything you need.You will come out stronger in the end for the trials that you go through now.Love ya bunches!

  6. Stephanie
    June 5, 2010 / 2:37 am

    Monica, I've done a lot of crying for several months. Life hasn't turned out the way I planned. I completely understand you about being a perfectionist and failing. We're going to get through our individual struggles…I just know it.