A Weighting Game {Weight Loss & Health}


Me, 70 pounds ago, at my bridal shower in 2009.

Sometimes I feel like the hardest part of weight loss is waiting. And waiting.

You get started, and you feel like you’re constantly waiting until your next snack or meal. (Hell, I am at this very MOMENT.)

You wait to step on that scale to see if your success will be reflected with a number. (Don’t- also take measurements!)

You wait for weekly weigh-ins to turn into monthly losses that will lead to visible changes that you can see, and hopefully others, too.

You wait to see that magical goal number on the scale at the end of months, possibly years, of hard work.

Well, no wonder most of us fail. We’ve been conditioned to get instant gratification. To want it. To need it.

This might explain why I fork out money for Amazon Prime. I want my stuff in 2-days, gosh darn it.

I’ve also learned after trying for a DECADE now to get to my goal weight (shameful, I know), is that if you try to rush the process, it just doesn’t work out in the long term.

I think a turning point for me wanting to buckle down for the umpteenth time is BlogHer 2012. Sure I chose not to go because the flights were very expensive for me, and because I do have a new job, but the main reason I chose not to go to BlogHer 2012 is because of my weight.

And it’s taking me so much courage to put it out there, but I hope others can relate. Last year at BlogHer I was about 30 pounds lighter. BlogHer is the type of place you have to feel confident at or else you’ll just kind of get lost in the midst of swag and bloggers.

As I did last year. I left San Diego having had a fun time with those I hung out with, came home with cool swag, but I didn’t really accomplish anything in terms of my blog. I didn’t gain readers, sponsors or fans. I got to giveaway some Riceworks coupons and some coffee creamer coupons.

Nothing glamorous mostly because I lacked the confidence to go up to companies and sell myself.

I saw plenty of bloggers that were larger than I was, rocking their sleeveless shirts and showing armpit and talking to companies. Now they have HUGE blogs with great connections, and I am just kind of at slightly a higher level than last year.

So, one Saturday morning in June, I decided to just not go. Just like that. I sold my ticket, transferred my hotel room, and decided I just couldn’t do it. Why spend all that time and money when I knew I felt even worse about myself than I did last year?

And something else.

I hate being the fat girl in the group of pretty girlfriends at these things. You all know what I mean, right? It’s like your friends like you and all, and you’re super funny and witty, but when it comes time to take cute Instagram photos to post on their FB wall, you’re not in them because you’re the DFF (designated fat friend). I felt like that a few times at conferences/events this year, and let me tell ya, it sucks. I realize I am not a gorgeous, svelte, flawless girl, and honestly I don’t want to be in any photos unless I have to be…but…it’s hard. We don’t want to feel less than.

And so I’m not going to BlogHer because I am fatter than I was last year, and because it’s expensive and I have a new job.

I’m 27 now, and have been fighting this battle for a decade, and I just want to achieve my goals. Weight goals, career goals, blog goals. I want confidence in myself, yet can’t ever really summon up some.

Monica Wants It.

But I just have to wait.



  1. marty (A Stroll Thru Life)
    July 31, 2012 / 7:22 pm

    Oh I so understand. I am way over weight for me and have at least 30 lbs. that I desperately need to lose. For the first time in my life, I am the fat girl. I hate it too. Good luck. Hugs, Marty

  2. Elizabeth a.k.a Liz
    July 31, 2012 / 7:41 pm

    Hi Monica! That really sucks that you feel that way! I had a really hard time accepting my body for a REALLY long time and I finally did. I was so depressed…I'd never take pictures. I finally realized that you have to feel good about yourself before you can really start taking care of yourself. Don't feel bad. Weight loss does take time, but don't sweat it. Stressing out about weight loss can really discourage you. I'm struggling too…I'm 222 lbs. and I'm 5'4, but I'm okay with it because I know that one day I will lose it. I'm working HARD at it, but I also keep in mind that I can look good now…today. Don't let it keep you from doing things that you really love doing. 😉

  3. Elizabeth a.k.a Liz
    July 31, 2012 / 7:49 pm

    P.S. Thanks for your help when I was out in San Antonio! Twitter: TNL634 😉

  4. Delena
    July 31, 2012 / 8:32 pm

    You are not alone and you are only 27 hell since I was 8 years old and I weighed over 100 lbs and the coach said to me I was fat, I have been struggling, and I am 32 now, yeah 24 years of this. You need to read the New York Times article about weight loss and keeping it off. The link is on my blog. I am just starting to lose weight after having my blog up for two years yeah it took me to make a commitment and to have patience and to realize oh yeah what do you mean eating 3 times the recommended amount makes you gain weight, whaaaat???? Yeah dude I am thirty plus I don't care anymore I wore my tankini and rocked it, it was hot, I had cellulite, I had grandma arms but that is me! You don't need to put your self worth in your body image you are awesome the way you are. You are beautiful and hot lady! Don't look at old photos it makes you sad, I did that with my college ones and I was like f that skinny B! But you know what you can do this and be patient and commit to your goal!

  5. Emily
    August 1, 2012 / 12:27 am

    you will get there – sending happy thoughts your way my friend. Just because there are no results on the scale does not mean you are not improving!

  6. Anonymous
    August 1, 2012 / 12:33 am

    Sending you positive thoughts! I try not to let my weight gain affect the way I feel about myself, but it does. But you have to let yourself have fun and enjoy the moments and not let something like that keep you from putting yourself out there. Great post, I can relate!

  7. Carolyn
    August 1, 2012 / 12:35 am

    Now I want to cry. It just kills me to know you are hurting like this. You know I don't give a rats ass what you weigh… I've been sulking around the house the past few weeks because I am upset that I will have to spend BlogHer in New York without you. I was SO looking forward to seeing you again and having a good time with you. I miss you so much. If you were feeling self-conscious last year, I sure couldn't tell. I know you have personal issues with your weight but honestly, I think you are reading too much into what OTHER people are thinking about you. Did I ever tell you what my husband said to me when he saw you for the first time? He said, "That's Monica? Wow, she's really pretty." And my girls thought you were beautiful too – not one word about your weight. Seriously! You have the most beautiful blog, take the most gorgeous pictures and have impeccable taste. I get that you don't feel beautiful with the extra pounds, but until you start accepting that you deserve everything and more, the weight isn't going to come off. Personally, I think you are using it as an excuse to hide behind so you don't have to come out shining. Well, sorry to break it to you… you shine anyway. And you always will. I love you.

  8. Pao
    August 1, 2012 / 12:46 am

    Your post is really inspirational and emotional! Everyone struggles with weight loss, the most important thing is that you feel happy and in peace with what you have. You seem to be an amazing girl, so keep going!Im also 27 and ever since I got married I've been struggling with weight loss, it is tough, but we should never lose the motivation! Im your newest follower :)HippieChicPao

  9. Bohemian Babushka
    August 1, 2012 / 1:18 am

    Ay niña linda- and you are linda, please don't wait until you're Babushka's age to realize how truly beautiful you are and that you've wasted so much dance time because the size of your dress wasn't what you thought it should be. The only thing that counts is the dance. Pick the music of YOUR soul and follow it- ya veras how quickly your dance card fills up.Un abrazo bien fuerte y con todo mi ♥- BB2U

  10. Zelma @ YoSoyMami.com
    August 1, 2012 / 3:16 am

    Monica, I almost cried reading your post!! You've seen me, so you KNOW I can relate to EVERYTHING you're feeling. I'm not going to tell you not to feel that way, because I feel it too. It's depressing, I know. I felt it going into Hispanicize, which was my very first conference, but I gotta say, spending time with you made me feel so much better! You're so beautiful, a great friend and have such an amazing personality, it's infectious. I know, no one wants to hear that they have a good personality, but you do!!! On a related note, I recently made a drastic change in my diet, and wrote a post very similar to yours. I wish you could read it, and hope you know that you're not alone. Check it out here: Taking the plunge, making a changeI love you, NEVER forget that!xoxoZelma

  11. Ashley
    August 1, 2012 / 4:01 am

    As someone who lost almost two regular sized humans in weight I feel for your struggle. I know that no matter how many people tell you that you're gorgeous it'll never sink in. Having an issue with your weight sucks, But chin up girl because you're beautiful! No matter how much weight you'll lose if you're not confident in yourself none of it will matter. Work on the confidence and the rest will come to you. You're in my thoughts. ::hugs::

  12. Pattie Cordova
    August 1, 2012 / 4:14 am

    I think we push ourselves down more than anyone else. We critique ourselves when people don't really pay THAT much attention to us. I have about 10 lbs. that I need to use and I feel like things aren't perfect until I do that when they truth of the matter is that things are not going to magically change just because the lbs. are gone. Stay true to yourself and remember that most people look beyond the body.

  13. Sujeiry
    August 1, 2012 / 5:00 am

    Wow Monica. This was such a great post. Well written, relatable and really moving. I'm sorry this is where you are regarding your self confidence. I'm sorry you have up wait!

    • Sujeiry
      August 1, 2012 / 5:01 am

      Comment box went crazy and I didn't finish lol. Anyway, stat strong and just take it day by day, which I'm sure you're doing already. You will get there!

  14. Amy
    August 2, 2012 / 1:49 am

    Oh girl, I completely feel you on this post. I could tell I was growing more and more introverted/shy as I got fatter. I still feel super fat (and I have a ton more left to lose), so when it came to approaching booths at a work conference, it was just so hard. Not once did I question my smarts, but I kept wondering in my industry full of men, if I would be judged for my size. HUGE hugs to you! You're a beautiful, smart woman, and you CAN do this!

  15. Isabel Garcia
    August 2, 2012 / 2:22 am

    Monica, you're a very talented blogger! Your blog is exceptional! Don't ever let your fears paralyze you from reaching your goals. We all have a gift to share with others. Sending you positive thoughts your way. You mentioned you want to achieve your goals. You can do this by writing down the steps you need to take to accomplish each one of them. By taking small steps, you will achieve your goals. Believe and take action to go to the next level. It's not easy, but we need to stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zone. Sending you a big hug! 🙂

  16. Kassi Mortensen
    August 2, 2012 / 4:17 pm

    Ah girl… this breaks my heart. I get it though. I get not wanting to deal with the feelings of being less than. Just want you to know I think you rock!!! And I would be ecstatic to take a photo with you any day! 😉

  17. alejandra ramazzini
    August 2, 2012 / 8:13 pm

    Positive thinking, Amiga! I'm 26 and to be perfectly honest it hasnt really been until the last year and half or so, that I can stand infront of the mirroir and smile at myself ( and i am far from where i would like to be in terms of body figure, but i've accepted what i got). Maintaining your ideal "size" is a lifestyle change, and that takes a lot of effort and patience, but You can do it! Lots of Love + Motivation being sent your way!

  18. Bdutton15
    August 4, 2012 / 10:11 am

    I don't know you and I just started reading your blog but I had to write a quick note to tell you that your blog is the most relatable blog I have read. Too mnay blogs are filled with pretty pictures, and perfect outcomes, and endless budgets and it's all so damn unrealistic. You are a breath of fresh air. You tell it like it is, with budget in mind and a real life approach. In real life all of my friends, skinny and "fat" have way to many moments where they feel like they are a weight loss away from true hapiness, confidence, etc. I think everyone has weight hangups but you are to pretty exactly as you are to let anything hold yo back.

  19. Angie Granata
    August 4, 2012 / 10:04 pm

    I just read this Monica, and I am sending you big hugs and kisses to you. I am certain that you will reach all your goals whatever they may be.You are already beautiful by just being who you are. I can hear your warmth and honesty through your writing. Beauty is inside, and we all can see that. Love Angie

  20. Megan
    August 5, 2012 / 2:24 am

    I'm 30 pounds heavier than I was when I married and 80 more than graduating HS. I get you, love you. You're beautiful.

  21. Andrea Peterson
    August 7, 2012 / 6:05 am

    I so understand how you feel, and have to say thank you for having the guts to put it out there. I think that takes some serious courage. Your weight doesn't define the person you are (unless you let it) and the success you do or don't have (unless you let it). YOU do. Keep at er girl. Found you through Pinterest today and pumped to keep following you 🙂