Monica Wants It: A Lifestyle Blog: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas…I’m in a funk.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas…I’m in a funk.

I’m one of those people who says happy holidays. I don’t want to offend anyone or exclude anyone’s beliefs or holiday celebrations…

Mon2

^Me, Christmas 2004. Much younger, carefree and totally oblivious to how lucky I was to be young and carefree. Youth is wasted on the young!

So, happy holidays and a Merry Christmas to all of you wonderful, lovely, kick-ass readers of this little blog o’ mine.

I know the posts have been scarce, and the projects few, around here lately. It’s somewhat because of lack of time and also because it’s just a hectic time of year.

I remember starting this blog back in 2009, right before my wedding, and hardly anyone read it.

Still much of the same now, it feels, but the analytics show you all are reading. Well, 99.99% of people are reading the espresso DIY cabinet post, but I hope you all are intrigued enough to click around.

Now, 3 years later, it’s odd to know family and friends also read these pages, and I guess it’s left me feeling a bit censored. That leaves me a bit uninspired sometimes because I may come off as very vanilla, when I’m in fact not. I hate the weird looks after a rant or the judgment/guilt after admitting something one feels. I feel ashamed of some of my weight related posts because I’ll write one, and the very next evening invite a girlfriend out to go gorge on beer and nachos with me at the local watering hole. A total contradiction. I know this.

So I’ve been feeling censored, and therefore just a smidge uninspired to come home and lay it all out there on the blog like the good ole days. I’m in a funk of sorts, and the scale shows it. This morning the scale read the highest weight I have EVER been. Ever. EVER. EVER. It may as well have just read WTF so I could just know that my scale was like, “PLEASE STOP EATING OUT!”

I get the memo, Mr. Scale. Got it.

I put myself here, or actually probably Chili’s did because everything on their menu is loaded with sodium, and I gain 5 pounds for a week every time I eat there. I’m not eating there ever again, sorry friends.

But, the scale is a direct representation of how my life is going, I think. The more out of control I feel, the more I eat. WHY CAN I NOT BE HEALTHY!?!?! I’m just going to say it…I want to look good naked for once in my life. Not even for my husband, but for me. Yeah, me. I want to not be repulsed by myself. I can’t be alone in this feeling, right ladies?

I am sad. Why? I don’t know. I am so blessed. My husband just got a promotion, my dog is fantastic, my friends are amazing, family is healthy…why am I not happy? Isn’t this what everyone wants in life?

Yes.

No.

Maybe?

Sigh.

I’m unhappy, and I’m fat. Fat and unhappy. My weight gain leads me to avoid family like the plague, I avoid friends from back home who haven’t seen me since oh…60 pounds ago? See ya in 2014, friends!

I’m rambling, it’s not making sense, and I just want to figure out why I am so damn unhappy and in a funk. Stressed, beyond the normal stress level for a 27 year old woman with no kids. My stress is through the roof.

Why am I unhappy? It can’t just be my size/weight. Maybe it can. Can I really be so vain that this all has to do with my looks? Can it?

I want to be happy this holiday season. I truly love Christmas despite the sadness that surrounds it. You see, it’s the 6th anniversary of my granny’s death on Christmas Eve, and the 12th anniversary of my dad’s death on Christmas Day. Tough cards to be dealt, eh? Yeah, I know it. Still…in the bottom of my in-a-funk heart, I know they want me to be happy. Truly happy. Everyday I’m alive.

And so I will be.

Merry Christmas, and/or happy holidays from me to you.

Love,

Monica

P.S.: I promise more projects are coming. :) Thanks for always being here for me, y’all.

15 comments:

  1. Merry Christmas Monica! Christmas makes me funky too. This year I keep thinking about the Song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" and how it says "...we'll have to muddle through somehow..." because that me, muddling through.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Merry Christmas, Loretta! Great point about that song, I never really paid attention to that part until you brought it up. :)

      Delete
  2. Merry Christmas Monica! I always have the Christmas blues. It's rough. My first marriage imploded on New Year's Day and even though it was years and years ago the tension I felt that year sometimes pops up. Add that to the fact that I thought we would have a baby this Christmas...you get the idea. Anyway, you're not alone in your funk.

    You are beautiful, creative, spirited and so talented I know 2013 will be a great one!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I thought your post was true from the heart. It's very difficult on the soul when we are so revealing about ourselves. You look beautiful to me but I can also relate to what you are saying and all the stuff that we beat ourselves up about. Keep the faith, continue with your honesty because you are helping others get through rough times, too. Merry Christmas and keep that blog going.
    PattyV

    ReplyDelete
  4. I completely understand how you are feeling. You just described me perfectly. Happiness begins with you. You can't feel love from others or give completely of youself if you don't first love yourself. Easier said than done, though. Hang in there! You may feel alone, but there are many of us who are listening & feeling what you are feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've been reading for just a little while but wanted to tell you I totally understand the conflict and discord you are feeling...mostly because I have it too.

    Merry Christmas, no nonetheless!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Monica, You are so blessed to have girlfriends out in blog land that don't judge, empathize with what you are experiencing and want only the best for you and yours. Cut yourself some slack honey, you will get through this and feel better tomorrow. May God bless and keep you. And you are helping others to realize they are not the only ones having these feelings, who knows you may be saving someone's life. Love you and don't give up.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know what you are going through. My dad passed away around the holidays and we had to bury him on Christmas Eve and I used to LOVE LOVE Christmas but now I am like meh. I gained so much weight but then I decided hey I am the one who can make myself happy. So I got up off my fat ass and decided it was the year of Delena in 2012! Hey it ain't easy in fact it is a bitch after so many false starts. I think you can do it you are super motivated! I am lazy so if this lazy fat ass can do it you can do it for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Monica, In a way I know how you feel. This Christmas was the first one without my dad. It's been surreal. But our loved ones are in Heaven looking down on us. You are a beautiful and brave girl. Sharing your feeling here is the first step to make changes in your life. Remember you are not alone :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I totally get where you are coming from on both the weight issue and the censored issue. My little sister and I got into a huge fight over something I put in my blog about missing my older sister (who the blog is really about anyway). I doubt I'll ever speak to Julie again and I have hardly put anything on my blog. I tell myself it's because I have tons of other stuff going on but I know deep down, I feel like I can't be totally honest on it for fear of someone getting pissed off! On the weight issue - I'm there with ya girlfriend. Try being 53 and fat! But I've decided that 2013 is going to be an epic year. This is the year that I regain my health and self esteem. My husband and I are both doing Atkins starting at the end of January and I went and bought new running shoes today. I'm signing up for my first 5k also. After 2012, I've decided not to let fate control who I am or how I feel about things. I've started something called "grateful intentions". Every year about this time I say something stupid like "I sure hope 2013 is better than 2012" but then proceed to do nothing about making it better. So I'm putting out my intentions and I have to say I feel "lighter" and not in a weight sense. More of what was just weighing on my heart.

    Put your intentions out there, my friend and open up your heart to what will come inside. I think you'll be surprised.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I feel your pain, I have battled weight also. My goal was to make it through Thanksgiving and Christmas without gaining 10 lbs. Well scale today said it did it in under 1 lb. Lowest gain for a holiday ever. Check out my web site www.carriewelborn.com You have inspired me to start putting my blogs and thoughts so others might enjoy also.
    Carrie

    ReplyDelete
  11. I know how you feel. I am not the greatest eater. I have a terrible sweet tooth. I ate a half dozen cookies and a piece of pizza for breakfast this morning. I think I am going to join Weight Watchers this week. I am hoping it will help keep me motivated. Maybe. We should do a 'Monica Wants It' support group. ;).

    Just remember, we are usually our toughest critics. Not to sound cheesy, but we are not just a number on a scale. You obviously have a lot to be proud of in your life. Try to focus on that. We all love that you share your life with us here on your lil' ole blog ;).

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow. I know I just left a comment on another post of yours but somehow even though I don't know you at all I just have to leave a comment here after reading your post. First, let me say, "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, in the extra large size". I'm incredibly blessed with a husband who absolutely LOVES my curves. He says my figure is "cute" which gives me so much confidence to feel good about myself. Real men love curves. They love round women. Please celebrate being healthy not being thin. Last year I had my thyroid removed because of folicular cancer. Talk about turning your metabolism into a tail spin! I had already gained 50lbs in about a years time. You are the size you are because that is the body you were given and not because you are lazy. Sure, you can change it but over and over again it's been proven that it's eating healthy that is important and not what size you can fit into. Make small changes and keep moving forward. Celebrate a small success every day and don't look back. We as women are just too dang hard on ourselves. Sometimes even more so in our Pinterest,Facebook,blogging sphere where everyone else looks beautiful and perfect and happy all the time. You are beautiful and witty and talented. I know I use my writing to vent and as my own personal therapist. Then I go out and find someone to serve and I forget all about my own issues. Thanks for sharing. Many of us can see ourselves in the things you said. Blessings to you and Happy New Year. S.

    ReplyDelete
  13. So, holidays are over and I hope you are more cheerful now :) I just wanted to let you know that I read your new faqs page first to the questions you get from people about your project - hysterical! Then I went to the tutorial - informative! It really looks good and I really intend on using it! And - voila - see, I'm kicking around looking at your blog and I think it's great :) and that you're double great :) So, thanks for the blog from all those that read but don't always tell :)

    ReplyDelete

Monday, December 24, 2012

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas…I’m in a funk.

I’m one of those people who says happy holidays. I don’t want to offend anyone or exclude anyone’s beliefs or holiday celebrations…

Mon2

^Me, Christmas 2004. Much younger, carefree and totally oblivious to how lucky I was to be young and carefree. Youth is wasted on the young!

So, happy holidays and a Merry Christmas to all of you wonderful, lovely, kick-ass readers of this little blog o’ mine.

I know the posts have been scarce, and the projects few, around here lately. It’s somewhat because of lack of time and also because it’s just a hectic time of year.

I remember starting this blog back in 2009, right before my wedding, and hardly anyone read it.

Still much of the same now, it feels, but the analytics show you all are reading. Well, 99.99% of people are reading the espresso DIY cabinet post, but I hope you all are intrigued enough to click around.

Now, 3 years later, it’s odd to know family and friends also read these pages, and I guess it’s left me feeling a bit censored. That leaves me a bit uninspired sometimes because I may come off as very vanilla, when I’m in fact not. I hate the weird looks after a rant or the judgment/guilt after admitting something one feels. I feel ashamed of some of my weight related posts because I’ll write one, and the very next evening invite a girlfriend out to go gorge on beer and nachos with me at the local watering hole. A total contradiction. I know this.

So I’ve been feeling censored, and therefore just a smidge uninspired to come home and lay it all out there on the blog like the good ole days. I’m in a funk of sorts, and the scale shows it. This morning the scale read the highest weight I have EVER been. Ever. EVER. EVER. It may as well have just read WTF so I could just know that my scale was like, “PLEASE STOP EATING OUT!”

I get the memo, Mr. Scale. Got it.

I put myself here, or actually probably Chili’s did because everything on their menu is loaded with sodium, and I gain 5 pounds for a week every time I eat there. I’m not eating there ever again, sorry friends.

But, the scale is a direct representation of how my life is going, I think. The more out of control I feel, the more I eat. WHY CAN I NOT BE HEALTHY!?!?! I’m just going to say it…I want to look good naked for once in my life. Not even for my husband, but for me. Yeah, me. I want to not be repulsed by myself. I can’t be alone in this feeling, right ladies?

I am sad. Why? I don’t know. I am so blessed. My husband just got a promotion, my dog is fantastic, my friends are amazing, family is healthy…why am I not happy? Isn’t this what everyone wants in life?

Yes.

No.

Maybe?

Sigh.

I’m unhappy, and I’m fat. Fat and unhappy. My weight gain leads me to avoid family like the plague, I avoid friends from back home who haven’t seen me since oh…60 pounds ago? See ya in 2014, friends!

I’m rambling, it’s not making sense, and I just want to figure out why I am so damn unhappy and in a funk. Stressed, beyond the normal stress level for a 27 year old woman with no kids. My stress is through the roof.

Why am I unhappy? It can’t just be my size/weight. Maybe it can. Can I really be so vain that this all has to do with my looks? Can it?

I want to be happy this holiday season. I truly love Christmas despite the sadness that surrounds it. You see, it’s the 6th anniversary of my granny’s death on Christmas Eve, and the 12th anniversary of my dad’s death on Christmas Day. Tough cards to be dealt, eh? Yeah, I know it. Still…in the bottom of my in-a-funk heart, I know they want me to be happy. Truly happy. Everyday I’m alive.

And so I will be.

Merry Christmas, and/or happy holidays from me to you.

Love,

Monica

P.S.: I promise more projects are coming. :) Thanks for always being here for me, y’all.

15 comments :

  1. Merry Christmas Monica! Christmas makes me funky too. This year I keep thinking about the Song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" and how it says "...we'll have to muddle through somehow..." because that me, muddling through.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Merry Christmas, Loretta! Great point about that song, I never really paid attention to that part until you brought it up. :)

      Delete
  2. Merry Christmas Monica! I always have the Christmas blues. It's rough. My first marriage imploded on New Year's Day and even though it was years and years ago the tension I felt that year sometimes pops up. Add that to the fact that I thought we would have a baby this Christmas...you get the idea. Anyway, you're not alone in your funk.

    You are beautiful, creative, spirited and so talented I know 2013 will be a great one!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I thought your post was true from the heart. It's very difficult on the soul when we are so revealing about ourselves. You look beautiful to me but I can also relate to what you are saying and all the stuff that we beat ourselves up about. Keep the faith, continue with your honesty because you are helping others get through rough times, too. Merry Christmas and keep that blog going.
    PattyV

    ReplyDelete
  4. I completely understand how you are feeling. You just described me perfectly. Happiness begins with you. You can't feel love from others or give completely of youself if you don't first love yourself. Easier said than done, though. Hang in there! You may feel alone, but there are many of us who are listening & feeling what you are feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've been reading for just a little while but wanted to tell you I totally understand the conflict and discord you are feeling...mostly because I have it too.

    Merry Christmas, no nonetheless!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Monica, You are so blessed to have girlfriends out in blog land that don't judge, empathize with what you are experiencing and want only the best for you and yours. Cut yourself some slack honey, you will get through this and feel better tomorrow. May God bless and keep you. And you are helping others to realize they are not the only ones having these feelings, who knows you may be saving someone's life. Love you and don't give up.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know what you are going through. My dad passed away around the holidays and we had to bury him on Christmas Eve and I used to LOVE LOVE Christmas but now I am like meh. I gained so much weight but then I decided hey I am the one who can make myself happy. So I got up off my fat ass and decided it was the year of Delena in 2012! Hey it ain't easy in fact it is a bitch after so many false starts. I think you can do it you are super motivated! I am lazy so if this lazy fat ass can do it you can do it for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Monica, In a way I know how you feel. This Christmas was the first one without my dad. It's been surreal. But our loved ones are in Heaven looking down on us. You are a beautiful and brave girl. Sharing your feeling here is the first step to make changes in your life. Remember you are not alone :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I totally get where you are coming from on both the weight issue and the censored issue. My little sister and I got into a huge fight over something I put in my blog about missing my older sister (who the blog is really about anyway). I doubt I'll ever speak to Julie again and I have hardly put anything on my blog. I tell myself it's because I have tons of other stuff going on but I know deep down, I feel like I can't be totally honest on it for fear of someone getting pissed off! On the weight issue - I'm there with ya girlfriend. Try being 53 and fat! But I've decided that 2013 is going to be an epic year. This is the year that I regain my health and self esteem. My husband and I are both doing Atkins starting at the end of January and I went and bought new running shoes today. I'm signing up for my first 5k also. After 2012, I've decided not to let fate control who I am or how I feel about things. I've started something called "grateful intentions". Every year about this time I say something stupid like "I sure hope 2013 is better than 2012" but then proceed to do nothing about making it better. So I'm putting out my intentions and I have to say I feel "lighter" and not in a weight sense. More of what was just weighing on my heart.

    Put your intentions out there, my friend and open up your heart to what will come inside. I think you'll be surprised.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I feel your pain, I have battled weight also. My goal was to make it through Thanksgiving and Christmas without gaining 10 lbs. Well scale today said it did it in under 1 lb. Lowest gain for a holiday ever. Check out my web site www.carriewelborn.com You have inspired me to start putting my blogs and thoughts so others might enjoy also.
    Carrie

    ReplyDelete
  11. I know how you feel. I am not the greatest eater. I have a terrible sweet tooth. I ate a half dozen cookies and a piece of pizza for breakfast this morning. I think I am going to join Weight Watchers this week. I am hoping it will help keep me motivated. Maybe. We should do a 'Monica Wants It' support group. ;).

    Just remember, we are usually our toughest critics. Not to sound cheesy, but we are not just a number on a scale. You obviously have a lot to be proud of in your life. Try to focus on that. We all love that you share your life with us here on your lil' ole blog ;).

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow. I know I just left a comment on another post of yours but somehow even though I don't know you at all I just have to leave a comment here after reading your post. First, let me say, "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, in the extra large size". I'm incredibly blessed with a husband who absolutely LOVES my curves. He says my figure is "cute" which gives me so much confidence to feel good about myself. Real men love curves. They love round women. Please celebrate being healthy not being thin. Last year I had my thyroid removed because of folicular cancer. Talk about turning your metabolism into a tail spin! I had already gained 50lbs in about a years time. You are the size you are because that is the body you were given and not because you are lazy. Sure, you can change it but over and over again it's been proven that it's eating healthy that is important and not what size you can fit into. Make small changes and keep moving forward. Celebrate a small success every day and don't look back. We as women are just too dang hard on ourselves. Sometimes even more so in our Pinterest,Facebook,blogging sphere where everyone else looks beautiful and perfect and happy all the time. You are beautiful and witty and talented. I know I use my writing to vent and as my own personal therapist. Then I go out and find someone to serve and I forget all about my own issues. Thanks for sharing. Many of us can see ourselves in the things you said. Blessings to you and Happy New Year. S.

    ReplyDelete
  13. So, holidays are over and I hope you are more cheerful now :) I just wanted to let you know that I read your new faqs page first to the questions you get from people about your project - hysterical! Then I went to the tutorial - informative! It really looks good and I really intend on using it! And - voila - see, I'm kicking around looking at your blog and I think it's great :) and that you're double great :) So, thanks for the blog from all those that read but don't always tell :)

    ReplyDelete