Monica Wants It: A Lifestyle Blog: I feel ashamed. {Weight Loss}

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I feel ashamed. {Weight Loss}

Today’s post will not be about glitter, room makeovers or any of that kind of stuff. Instead it will be about how I completely and utterly failed this year at the one thing I wanted most.

To be skinny/thin/healthy/Jessica Alba’s Twin

As of this morning I am actually 2 pounds heavier than I was a year ago. This means in the span of one year, I lost 30 pounds and gained 32 back. Yes. That’s awful. Yes. I feel horrible.

I want to cry.

Because of my recent weight gain this past month (where I’ve put on about 10 pounds…TEN!) even my fat pants don’t fit. This means I need fat-ter pants. I went in search of fatter pants, and nothing fit right. Nothing looked right. I was even willing to go up a size and not give a rat’s ass about the number on the tag.

AND NOTHING FIT.

I wanted to die. Right there in that dressing room. But how sad would it be to read about a woman dying in the Cato dressing room? Very sad. I don’t truly want to die, of course not, that’s insane, but I am so tired of battling my weight. I’ve been battling this all my life. And I don’t think I’m ever going to win.

Y’all. I don’t know. I simply don’t know. What is wrong with me? Why am I at my all time highest weight EVER? How? Why? WHY DID I LET THIS HAPPEN? Again. AGAIN!

I honestly don’t even know how to put my sadness, shame and hatred of my body into words. I look at myself in the mirror and I think to myself, “You let yourself go, Monica.” And women who do that sorta thing usually at least have an excuse. They just had kids, they are having a rough patch in life, they just experienced loss. And me? Well, life is fan-freakin-tastic to be honest with you. I have really nothing majorly wrong except that I am pretty sure my mother-in-law hates my guts.

So why I am fatter?

Is it all the eating out? Probably. Is it all the drinking? Possibly. Is it all the lack of exercise? Definitely. Do I know what I need to do? Not really. What I’ve done is gone balls to the wall for the first 3 months of the year and then give up the Nazi regime I’ve created for myself because I can’t do it anymore.

I am lazy. Like just pure lazy. I don’t want to workout, I want to do nothing that requires effort. Am I depressed? Perhaps. About what? No clue. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful home and lovely friends. And a gorgeous, adoring dog. This would be enough to motivate anyone to get into shape and live life a little fuller and longer.

And here I sit with a diet coke and pan de polvo cookies. Which are made with Crisco. Which is getting me further and further from my goal of feeling like a beautiful, confident and healthy 20-something woman.

I don’t know. I simply don’t know.

19 comments:

  1. I wish I could hug you right now. The good news is it can be turned around. I know for myself I am my own enemy. I let my head get in the way. I can also turn it around. The important part is we take it one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. :( I'm sorry you're sad Monica! I don't know either... but I do know you shouldn't feel ashamed. Disappointed sure. But shame is for things that are completely in our control... and this my dear, is not. It's hard! That's NOTHING to be ashamed about!

    ReplyDelete
  3. So sorry! I had an old coworker put money in a vacation jar every time she brought her lunch to work, didn't eat out, worked out etc... It was a great motivation for her. You'll get there!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sweetie, don't beat yourself up. When you are absolutely ready, it will happen. I rejoined weight watchers because I lacked discipline to manage what I was eating on my own. You want to get healthy for yourself, first and foremost. {hugs}

    ReplyDelete
  5. I really understand how you feel. I'm in a similar situation, with 30 pounds or something more than the last year, losing 5 pounds and gaining 10.

    I really don't know what to do.
    But remember: "If nothing change, nothing going to change"... [something like that]

    P.D. Sorry for my bad english

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dude it happens I have a weight loss blog and there is no weight that has been lost. So I am right there with you with the Pan De Polvo and instead of a diet coke it would be a starbucks fattymcfbuttery coffee full of chugars and creams. I have made Pan De Polvo and I should know better that its pretty much shortening and maybe some flour.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Chin up sweetie! I'm sending you hugs from the Midwest. You are beautiful and talented no matter what the scale says! My best friend for more than 20 years lost about 150 lbs with weight watchers over the past year and a half. Seriously...she is smaller than she was when we were teens! If she can tackle that much weight loss, I know you can do 30 lbs when you are ready. Go easy on yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Monica you are not alone. I am right there with you. In fact if you changed the Pan de Palvo cookies to chocolate chip or chewy lemon heads candy - it would be me. I go through this cycle every 2 to 3 years where I lose the weight and then gain it back. The one thing that works for me is a website called Sparkpeople. It is a free weightless website and if I log my food and exercise it helps me. There are articles, recipes, message boards, and thousands of people that are going through the exact same thing. All of these people helped support and encourage me to lose weight and when I think I am okay and don't need this website anymore I gain the stupid weight back... *Sigh*... So I will be back there again this year. Let me know if you want to join me - I would be happy to link up with you! {{Hugs}}

    Kelley
    kelkiey@sbcglobal.net

    ReplyDelete
  9. Give yourself a break girl! You are not the first nor will be be the last person to be at this point. I have been there and I know how you feel. It's what you chose to do from here on that matters. You said it yourself...you have a wonderful husband, life and friends. That is what is important. Not the number on the scale or the number on the pants. There is no reason to go to extremes when it comes to weight loss, do what you can when you can. That goes for food and exercise. It doesn't matter which plan you use, what matters is how you can fit it into your life.

    I'm here for you if you need a friend and I wish you all the best for 2012. {Hugs}

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi Monica hang in there. Losing weight is hard. It's even worse when you beat yourself up over it. My girlfriend is in the same situation you are. She gets motivated for a couple of months and loses twenty pounds and then puts it back on. Heck I even put on twenty pounds last year.

    Losing weight takes time. Set daily goals and weekly goals and don't beat yourself up. You can do it~

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ugh! I totally get it. I too felt that way until in my mid 20's. 9 years ago I decided to tackled the weight once and for all with Weight Watchers. I had almost 50 pounds to lose and 9 years later it is still off, through some rough economic times, suffering from PCOS, and a twin pregnancy. Sounds like you've got some great positive things to focus on in your life and when the time is right, you'll be ready to lose the weight once and for all. I don't think it would've happened for me if I wasn't ready for it. Hang in there sweetie.

    xo,

    mONICa

    ReplyDelete
  12. Monica-
    Do not be ashamed. It has happened to me more times than i like to talk about as well. It's so hard to do it. In fact it's easier to wish my friends fat to make me feel OK (HAHA - joke from on-line) Or what what just buying bigger clothes to keep myself looking small. Not ideal, but it happens. I got his from my friend and maybe it will help u too!!

    When you find yourself saying, "I can't ______" or I'll never _____" ... STOP! From this day forward, flip it and make it a question ... "How can I ________?"
    Notice the difference?
    Example:
    I will never reach my goal weight…(turn that into a question)...
    How will I reach my goal weight?
    Answer: I'll reach my goal weight by exercising daily, by eating healthy, no more than five ingredient foods, and achieving a calorie deficit each day. That's how I will do it! :)
    I like this need to drop a bit anyway help keep the weight off my hip joints.....


    Monica...look around your house and see all the things you've accomplished. You can do this one. It's another project. Start small, make small goals and then its easier to achieve each one!!!

    U CAN DO THIS!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Go Read my blog I have an excellent article that I linked to. Seriously READ IT, it is interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  14. So......my bestie....we have an issue. We need to fix it and we need a game plan. We need to be each others support system. We can't let the Jenns of the world get us down. We can do this. We always say we are going to do something....but let's really do it! We got this....heck, let's get Sarah on board. It is going to be hard, but let's set a goal. We really can do this. I don't want you to be down. You are beautiful inside and out. You've got an awesome life, a great bestie (hehe), a pooch that loves his mommy.....and Aunt Candy. This will be easy if we set our minds to it.

    I love you girl. You keep me going, keep me sane, make me laugh, cry with me. Yes, I am making a public declaration of how wonderful you are. Now everyone will be jealous of me and wish they had you in their lives like I do. Well, to bad to all of you. She's mine. Haha. Just kidding.

    Keep your head up. You can do this. So can I. We did it once, we just need to keep it off. Then we will have the hbo. (hot bi*#h office). Haha.

    ReplyDelete
  15. been there. still doing that. i'm just not sure how to get out of it. if you figure it out let me know mkay? {{{hugs}}}

    ReplyDelete
  16. been there. still doing that. i'm just not sure how to get out of it. if you figure it out let me know mkay? {{{hugs}}}

    ReplyDelete
  17. Sounds like you too are ready for a change! I felt like this one day not too long ago and decided that they only one stopping me fro making a change was me Monica you can do it! they say the first step is admitting you want change! I wish you the best for 2012 hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I totally feel your pain. I have been telling myself (and everyone around me) that I need to lose 20 lbs for two years now. Last March/April I went through an awkward, terrible breakup and lost 20 lbs! Yay! However, since then I have gained back 27! Boo. Hiss. We do not eat out, I cook every night, I don't drink soda, we don't watch five hours of television a night. None of the weight gain cliches fit.

    However, I also eat too much of the good foods I cook, I do not exercise, and I have a job where I sit on my butt all day. I have no advise for you on how to get motivated, because I am having the same exact problems and feelings. Do know that you are not alone in your struggle.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I need to loose 20 pounds and I am having a terrible time doing it. Even when I was doing Insanity workout, I didn't loose any weight. I'm thinking about joining Weight Watchers online. Registration is free right now.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I feel ashamed. {Weight Loss}

Today’s post will not be about glitter, room makeovers or any of that kind of stuff. Instead it will be about how I completely and utterly failed this year at the one thing I wanted most.

To be skinny/thin/healthy/Jessica Alba’s Twin

As of this morning I am actually 2 pounds heavier than I was a year ago. This means in the span of one year, I lost 30 pounds and gained 32 back. Yes. That’s awful. Yes. I feel horrible.

I want to cry.

Because of my recent weight gain this past month (where I’ve put on about 10 pounds…TEN!) even my fat pants don’t fit. This means I need fat-ter pants. I went in search of fatter pants, and nothing fit right. Nothing looked right. I was even willing to go up a size and not give a rat’s ass about the number on the tag.

AND NOTHING FIT.

I wanted to die. Right there in that dressing room. But how sad would it be to read about a woman dying in the Cato dressing room? Very sad. I don’t truly want to die, of course not, that’s insane, but I am so tired of battling my weight. I’ve been battling this all my life. And I don’t think I’m ever going to win.

Y’all. I don’t know. I simply don’t know. What is wrong with me? Why am I at my all time highest weight EVER? How? Why? WHY DID I LET THIS HAPPEN? Again. AGAIN!

I honestly don’t even know how to put my sadness, shame and hatred of my body into words. I look at myself in the mirror and I think to myself, “You let yourself go, Monica.” And women who do that sorta thing usually at least have an excuse. They just had kids, they are having a rough patch in life, they just experienced loss. And me? Well, life is fan-freakin-tastic to be honest with you. I have really nothing majorly wrong except that I am pretty sure my mother-in-law hates my guts.

So why I am fatter?

Is it all the eating out? Probably. Is it all the drinking? Possibly. Is it all the lack of exercise? Definitely. Do I know what I need to do? Not really. What I’ve done is gone balls to the wall for the first 3 months of the year and then give up the Nazi regime I’ve created for myself because I can’t do it anymore.

I am lazy. Like just pure lazy. I don’t want to workout, I want to do nothing that requires effort. Am I depressed? Perhaps. About what? No clue. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful home and lovely friends. And a gorgeous, adoring dog. This would be enough to motivate anyone to get into shape and live life a little fuller and longer.

And here I sit with a diet coke and pan de polvo cookies. Which are made with Crisco. Which is getting me further and further from my goal of feeling like a beautiful, confident and healthy 20-something woman.

I don’t know. I simply don’t know.

19 comments :

  1. I wish I could hug you right now. The good news is it can be turned around. I know for myself I am my own enemy. I let my head get in the way. I can also turn it around. The important part is we take it one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. :( I'm sorry you're sad Monica! I don't know either... but I do know you shouldn't feel ashamed. Disappointed sure. But shame is for things that are completely in our control... and this my dear, is not. It's hard! That's NOTHING to be ashamed about!

    ReplyDelete
  3. So sorry! I had an old coworker put money in a vacation jar every time she brought her lunch to work, didn't eat out, worked out etc... It was a great motivation for her. You'll get there!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sweetie, don't beat yourself up. When you are absolutely ready, it will happen. I rejoined weight watchers because I lacked discipline to manage what I was eating on my own. You want to get healthy for yourself, first and foremost. {hugs}

    ReplyDelete
  5. I really understand how you feel. I'm in a similar situation, with 30 pounds or something more than the last year, losing 5 pounds and gaining 10.

    I really don't know what to do.
    But remember: "If nothing change, nothing going to change"... [something like that]

    P.D. Sorry for my bad english

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dude it happens I have a weight loss blog and there is no weight that has been lost. So I am right there with you with the Pan De Polvo and instead of a diet coke it would be a starbucks fattymcfbuttery coffee full of chugars and creams. I have made Pan De Polvo and I should know better that its pretty much shortening and maybe some flour.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Chin up sweetie! I'm sending you hugs from the Midwest. You are beautiful and talented no matter what the scale says! My best friend for more than 20 years lost about 150 lbs with weight watchers over the past year and a half. Seriously...she is smaller than she was when we were teens! If she can tackle that much weight loss, I know you can do 30 lbs when you are ready. Go easy on yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Monica you are not alone. I am right there with you. In fact if you changed the Pan de Palvo cookies to chocolate chip or chewy lemon heads candy - it would be me. I go through this cycle every 2 to 3 years where I lose the weight and then gain it back. The one thing that works for me is a website called Sparkpeople. It is a free weightless website and if I log my food and exercise it helps me. There are articles, recipes, message boards, and thousands of people that are going through the exact same thing. All of these people helped support and encourage me to lose weight and when I think I am okay and don't need this website anymore I gain the stupid weight back... *Sigh*... So I will be back there again this year. Let me know if you want to join me - I would be happy to link up with you! {{Hugs}}

    Kelley
    kelkiey@sbcglobal.net

    ReplyDelete
  9. Give yourself a break girl! You are not the first nor will be be the last person to be at this point. I have been there and I know how you feel. It's what you chose to do from here on that matters. You said it yourself...you have a wonderful husband, life and friends. That is what is important. Not the number on the scale or the number on the pants. There is no reason to go to extremes when it comes to weight loss, do what you can when you can. That goes for food and exercise. It doesn't matter which plan you use, what matters is how you can fit it into your life.

    I'm here for you if you need a friend and I wish you all the best for 2012. {Hugs}

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi Monica hang in there. Losing weight is hard. It's even worse when you beat yourself up over it. My girlfriend is in the same situation you are. She gets motivated for a couple of months and loses twenty pounds and then puts it back on. Heck I even put on twenty pounds last year.

    Losing weight takes time. Set daily goals and weekly goals and don't beat yourself up. You can do it~

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ugh! I totally get it. I too felt that way until in my mid 20's. 9 years ago I decided to tackled the weight once and for all with Weight Watchers. I had almost 50 pounds to lose and 9 years later it is still off, through some rough economic times, suffering from PCOS, and a twin pregnancy. Sounds like you've got some great positive things to focus on in your life and when the time is right, you'll be ready to lose the weight once and for all. I don't think it would've happened for me if I wasn't ready for it. Hang in there sweetie.

    xo,

    mONICa

    ReplyDelete
  12. Monica-
    Do not be ashamed. It has happened to me more times than i like to talk about as well. It's so hard to do it. In fact it's easier to wish my friends fat to make me feel OK (HAHA - joke from on-line) Or what what just buying bigger clothes to keep myself looking small. Not ideal, but it happens. I got his from my friend and maybe it will help u too!!

    When you find yourself saying, "I can't ______" or I'll never _____" ... STOP! From this day forward, flip it and make it a question ... "How can I ________?"
    Notice the difference?
    Example:
    I will never reach my goal weight…(turn that into a question)...
    How will I reach my goal weight?
    Answer: I'll reach my goal weight by exercising daily, by eating healthy, no more than five ingredient foods, and achieving a calorie deficit each day. That's how I will do it! :)
    I like this need to drop a bit anyway help keep the weight off my hip joints.....


    Monica...look around your house and see all the things you've accomplished. You can do this one. It's another project. Start small, make small goals and then its easier to achieve each one!!!

    U CAN DO THIS!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Go Read my blog I have an excellent article that I linked to. Seriously READ IT, it is interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  14. So......my bestie....we have an issue. We need to fix it and we need a game plan. We need to be each others support system. We can't let the Jenns of the world get us down. We can do this. We always say we are going to do something....but let's really do it! We got this....heck, let's get Sarah on board. It is going to be hard, but let's set a goal. We really can do this. I don't want you to be down. You are beautiful inside and out. You've got an awesome life, a great bestie (hehe), a pooch that loves his mommy.....and Aunt Candy. This will be easy if we set our minds to it.

    I love you girl. You keep me going, keep me sane, make me laugh, cry with me. Yes, I am making a public declaration of how wonderful you are. Now everyone will be jealous of me and wish they had you in their lives like I do. Well, to bad to all of you. She's mine. Haha. Just kidding.

    Keep your head up. You can do this. So can I. We did it once, we just need to keep it off. Then we will have the hbo. (hot bi*#h office). Haha.

    ReplyDelete
  15. been there. still doing that. i'm just not sure how to get out of it. if you figure it out let me know mkay? {{{hugs}}}

    ReplyDelete
  16. been there. still doing that. i'm just not sure how to get out of it. if you figure it out let me know mkay? {{{hugs}}}

    ReplyDelete
  17. Sounds like you too are ready for a change! I felt like this one day not too long ago and decided that they only one stopping me fro making a change was me Monica you can do it! they say the first step is admitting you want change! I wish you the best for 2012 hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I totally feel your pain. I have been telling myself (and everyone around me) that I need to lose 20 lbs for two years now. Last March/April I went through an awkward, terrible breakup and lost 20 lbs! Yay! However, since then I have gained back 27! Boo. Hiss. We do not eat out, I cook every night, I don't drink soda, we don't watch five hours of television a night. None of the weight gain cliches fit.

    However, I also eat too much of the good foods I cook, I do not exercise, and I have a job where I sit on my butt all day. I have no advise for you on how to get motivated, because I am having the same exact problems and feelings. Do know that you are not alone in your struggle.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I need to loose 20 pounds and I am having a terrible time doing it. Even when I was doing Insanity workout, I didn't loose any weight. I'm thinking about joining Weight Watchers online. Registration is free right now.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete