Monica Wants It: A Lifestyle Blog: Obsession {Weight Loss}

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Obsession {Weight Loss}

I notice a pattern with all my weight loss efforts, and it goes a little something like this:

Week 1: Motivated, determined to stick to the program, exercise, give 100%.

Week 2: Feeling good after week 1’s weight loss, maybe slack a little, usually gain. Exercise.

Week 3: Coming off of week 2’s gain, I usually am even more hardcore than week 1 and lose a lot. Usually try to stay busy to keep my mind off eating. So busy, I don’t eat or exercise much.

Week 4: Excited about huge loss week 3. Reflecting on week 3, I stayed busy and didn’t focus on food. So, how much can I lose if I become obsessive and super focused about food? Usually gain. Not into exercising at all. Nope.

Week 5: Noticed that I lost, gained, lost, gained and want to quit…because, really? What is the point? Usually kinda half ass this week and see how it goes.

Week 5 is either the turning point that I gotta stick this out and DO IT. Or Week 5 is where I quit and likely end up right back where I started.

Psychotic, isn’t it?

I am in week 4. Which means I am obsessing over everything. It’s food/weight loss in my head 24/7. It’s exhausting and honestly, depressing. I don’t know how I did it when I first did Weight Watchers in 2002-2003 and I only gained once every 8 weeks or so. I was a rock star!

I am participating in the Shrinking Jeans Holiday Hoedown Challenge, and they check-in on Wednesdays. My official Weight Watchers weigh-in is Saturday. This means my Wednesday weigh-in isn’t the “official” one I use for Weight Watchers, but it is kind of the mid-week point for me, so it tells me how I’ve done from Saturday-Tuesday. I don’t expect to lose 5 pounds during that time or anything, but I don’t expect to gain either.

I did my mid-week weigh-in yesterday and I am UP 1.4 pounds from Saturday.

It’s disheartening, heart wrenching, infuriating, bleak and overall just sucks. SUCKS. I did well on Saturday/Sunday, kept my eating in check. Monday/Tuesday I did the new PointsPlus thing. And I am UP. I’ve tracked, weighed, and counted every bit of food that has entered my mouth. Granted, I haven’t exercised formally, but I did do Just Dance 2 for 1.5 hours, plus I am still painting the living room. Yes, still painting. Lord, I can’t wait to be done with it. And I am back at work this week.

Yes, I know I don’t officially weigh-in until Saturday, so who knows what the official weigh-in will look like, but I have a feeling I am going to be up. That notion really screws with my head.

I don’t know what to do. There’s a lump in my throat just writing this post because I truly do know what I need to do. I need to keep on. I need to stay positive and lose weight. I need to be healthy. That’s what I would tell any of you all, “This will pass. Keep going. I am here for you.”

And I feel like I am doing everything in my power to do just that, and the scale is just evil. Am I still eating too much? Am I not eating enough? Do I need to exercise more?

Now comes the real reason I am writing this post…this morning my co-worker offered me 2 Dexatrim Max pills, ya know, diet pills. Something I swore I’d never do after watching one too many Dateline specials of women who have taken diet pills and died.

And I took them. Yup.

Why? Well, desperation. I want to lose weight. Not overnight, but I don’t think a few ounces or a pound a week is unreasonable of me. I want the scale to reflect my efforts, and I feel it doesn’t.

I equate being thinner/smaller to feeling beautiful and being attractive. I feel neither of those right now. I am generally feeling pretty fugly most days because I feel HUGE.

There it is- my obsessive, psychotic week 4 confession. Regardless of how I feel right now, I think going through these sorts of things helps me realize I have a destructive relationship with food. I use it for comfort and gain weight; I use it to fuel my weight loss by eating the right stuff, but then I feel hungry/deprived at times. Sometimes I reflect upon why I want to lose weight for once and for all, and it’s so that I won’t have these issues with food anymore. I know maintenance will require effort- a ton, but I feel like by working on maintaining, I’ll finally see food for what it’s meant to do- sustain me. Eat to live, not live to eat, right?

God, if you read my little blog, please help me because I honestly feel I can’t go on with this loss/gain pattern. For now, I’ll keep trying my best AND hoping for the best.

8 comments:

  1. Alright lady, come down off the ledge. This isn't your official weigh in day and you never know what happens to your metabolism over the week. Maybe it's a hormone thing, or a water thing. Keep tracking, drinking water, and remember to get dairy, too. (Whenever I do, I somehow get a little kick start!)

    But most of all, don't beat yourself up. I saw Jillian Michaels at the Women's Conference here in October and you know what she said? She said when you get one flat tire, you don't go and slash the other three. You've just got to change the one and be on your way again! So simple, but so true!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yep... been there, done that. I think everyone who has "gone on a diet" has experienced what you are going through. I think that's why people say that "diets" don't work. You really do need to change your outlook from dieting to eating healthier. Also... there is a reason weight watchers, as well as other programs, only have you weight once a week... on the same day at the same time. You do get a better indication on how you did for the week. I know that one day I can lose 3 pounds and the next day I'm back up 3 pounds. It's not accurate - your body changes daily.

    The last time I lost 17 pounds with WW it took me like 4 months to do it. It was a very slow process. Stress will kill your progress. I'd recommend sticking with your once a week weigh-in and don't obsess so much. Even one pound a week is progress.

    ReplyDelete
  3. As a person who has made the journey from size 20 to size 6 (and stayed pu tin the 6) after a lifetime of obesity, I can tell you that feeling "huge" obsessing with the scale and all of the negative self talk that you discuss here is in your head. You knew that already. But I mean to say that if your goal is to let go of obsessing about food and feel good about yourself then THAT is what you really need to focus on as you can be a size 2 and carry all those same issues with you in a new size.

    The truth is, if you have struggled with weight and have an unhealthy/abusive relationship with your body and food/exercise then losing the weight can actually exacerbate those issues bc you are so terrified of gaining still.

    I wasn't able to get healthy until I got right in my head first. I had to love myself enough to focus on how it FELT to eat clean healthy foods. I quit calorie counting and documenting. I found exercise that made me feel powerful and strong (and stuck with it long enough to begin to love it *no joke 6 months, 6 days a week running before I found one likable thing about that*).

    I learned about the effects of food on the body and how to use them to my benefit. And I don't deprive myself of ONE thing. Not one. I workout hard, I enjoy delicious not so healthy things (sometimes, too much screws with my energy level and my performance) and I dig in happily to clean whole foods everyday.

    I say all that not to say that you should do what I do. Maybe points is the way for you. But maybe it isn't. (I'm neither in favor or not, I'm in favor of anything that will result in a lasting healthy change, and I don't know enough about the new ww system to comment).

    Maybe it's time to try something new within the confines of that program. My advice would be to keep searching (with food and exercise) for things that make you FEEL good (good like happy, energetic, light) and strong. When you get hooked on healthy habits because you love them, then the scale matters so much less (and will go down, down, down).

    Also, and I'm sure you know this, but sneezing, drinking water and pooping all result in a change of weight. LOL. Measurements are better to gage progress ESP if you are strength training (are you strength training?).

    I'm new to you, but in this post I see an honest, caring and authentic woman. In a sea of people trying to be someone else you have the balls to be you. That is always inspiring! I love your etsy store! You were on HGTV!? By God you're amazing! Treat that amazing woman to healthy things bc she deserves them and f*ck the scale. It's no more a measure of you than your shoe size!

    XOXO
    Erin

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't know Erin, but I think she hit it right on the money and I <3 her and I know after you read that comment you will too!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Monica - Really listen to Erin, I don't know her either, but she has a lot of great insight that is worth reading... several times over.

    I am so sorry you are struggling internally with this journey. I can completely relate to everything that you wrote, and everything that you are feeling. For me weight loss was a long and difficult journey.. it wasn't until I started seeing a therapist regularly and rediscovered my love of running (and then cycling when I was later introduced to that) that the pieces began to come together. I needed to figure myself out, and learn to like myself before I would allow myself the freedom to stop abusing my body and abusing my relationship with food.

    Maybe for where you are in life right now, WW is no longer the right choice for you? I don't know, only you can make that decision. I think many of us who have been on and off the diet train for so long have forgotten how to listen to our bodies, and take cues from it... learn again to listen to your body.

    You have an amazing support system of people available to you, and you are such a strong and honest woman to reach out and ask for help, and share your struggles. :) Please... anything we can do to help, continue to ask.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I stumbled on to your blog and as someone who has a LOT to lose, I've beenin your position more times than I can count. It's like my brain goes into Negative Nancy mode and reminds me of all of the times I quit before... NOT PRODUCTIVE.

    2 things are keeping me focused this time - the support of the Mamavation Sistahood (www.mamavation.com) and Pete Cohen (www.weightlossguru.com)

    Both help me to keep things in perspective.

    I HIGHLY encourage you to consider joining the Mamavation sistahood. It's an INCREDIBLE group of very supportive women who either are in your shoes or have been at some point. Some are mom's, some aren't. Some work at home some work outside of the home. but we are all women, non-judgemental, supporting, and some of the best friends I've found.

    I don't know where you are in your journey, but I STRONGLY believe in you. You can push past this. You are MORE than a number on a scale. PLUS, the scale can be mean for so many reasons that don't equal actual "WEIGHT" gain...

    HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Monica, I hate to see you like this. Please don't ever give up. I look forward to seeing your awesome progress from WEEK 6, and 7... and 8... and so on, until you can't even remember how many weeks has passed since that dreaded week 1. May you never have another week 1 ever again :)

    <3ya!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love the blog. I've went too crazy at the gym on friday. I still can't walk right.

    ReplyDelete

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Obsession {Weight Loss}

I notice a pattern with all my weight loss efforts, and it goes a little something like this:

Week 1: Motivated, determined to stick to the program, exercise, give 100%.

Week 2: Feeling good after week 1’s weight loss, maybe slack a little, usually gain. Exercise.

Week 3: Coming off of week 2’s gain, I usually am even more hardcore than week 1 and lose a lot. Usually try to stay busy to keep my mind off eating. So busy, I don’t eat or exercise much.

Week 4: Excited about huge loss week 3. Reflecting on week 3, I stayed busy and didn’t focus on food. So, how much can I lose if I become obsessive and super focused about food? Usually gain. Not into exercising at all. Nope.

Week 5: Noticed that I lost, gained, lost, gained and want to quit…because, really? What is the point? Usually kinda half ass this week and see how it goes.

Week 5 is either the turning point that I gotta stick this out and DO IT. Or Week 5 is where I quit and likely end up right back where I started.

Psychotic, isn’t it?

I am in week 4. Which means I am obsessing over everything. It’s food/weight loss in my head 24/7. It’s exhausting and honestly, depressing. I don’t know how I did it when I first did Weight Watchers in 2002-2003 and I only gained once every 8 weeks or so. I was a rock star!

I am participating in the Shrinking Jeans Holiday Hoedown Challenge, and they check-in on Wednesdays. My official Weight Watchers weigh-in is Saturday. This means my Wednesday weigh-in isn’t the “official” one I use for Weight Watchers, but it is kind of the mid-week point for me, so it tells me how I’ve done from Saturday-Tuesday. I don’t expect to lose 5 pounds during that time or anything, but I don’t expect to gain either.

I did my mid-week weigh-in yesterday and I am UP 1.4 pounds from Saturday.

It’s disheartening, heart wrenching, infuriating, bleak and overall just sucks. SUCKS. I did well on Saturday/Sunday, kept my eating in check. Monday/Tuesday I did the new PointsPlus thing. And I am UP. I’ve tracked, weighed, and counted every bit of food that has entered my mouth. Granted, I haven’t exercised formally, but I did do Just Dance 2 for 1.5 hours, plus I am still painting the living room. Yes, still painting. Lord, I can’t wait to be done with it. And I am back at work this week.

Yes, I know I don’t officially weigh-in until Saturday, so who knows what the official weigh-in will look like, but I have a feeling I am going to be up. That notion really screws with my head.

I don’t know what to do. There’s a lump in my throat just writing this post because I truly do know what I need to do. I need to keep on. I need to stay positive and lose weight. I need to be healthy. That’s what I would tell any of you all, “This will pass. Keep going. I am here for you.”

And I feel like I am doing everything in my power to do just that, and the scale is just evil. Am I still eating too much? Am I not eating enough? Do I need to exercise more?

Now comes the real reason I am writing this post…this morning my co-worker offered me 2 Dexatrim Max pills, ya know, diet pills. Something I swore I’d never do after watching one too many Dateline specials of women who have taken diet pills and died.

And I took them. Yup.

Why? Well, desperation. I want to lose weight. Not overnight, but I don’t think a few ounces or a pound a week is unreasonable of me. I want the scale to reflect my efforts, and I feel it doesn’t.

I equate being thinner/smaller to feeling beautiful and being attractive. I feel neither of those right now. I am generally feeling pretty fugly most days because I feel HUGE.

There it is- my obsessive, psychotic week 4 confession. Regardless of how I feel right now, I think going through these sorts of things helps me realize I have a destructive relationship with food. I use it for comfort and gain weight; I use it to fuel my weight loss by eating the right stuff, but then I feel hungry/deprived at times. Sometimes I reflect upon why I want to lose weight for once and for all, and it’s so that I won’t have these issues with food anymore. I know maintenance will require effort- a ton, but I feel like by working on maintaining, I’ll finally see food for what it’s meant to do- sustain me. Eat to live, not live to eat, right?

God, if you read my little blog, please help me because I honestly feel I can’t go on with this loss/gain pattern. For now, I’ll keep trying my best AND hoping for the best.

8 comments :

  1. Alright lady, come down off the ledge. This isn't your official weigh in day and you never know what happens to your metabolism over the week. Maybe it's a hormone thing, or a water thing. Keep tracking, drinking water, and remember to get dairy, too. (Whenever I do, I somehow get a little kick start!)

    But most of all, don't beat yourself up. I saw Jillian Michaels at the Women's Conference here in October and you know what she said? She said when you get one flat tire, you don't go and slash the other three. You've just got to change the one and be on your way again! So simple, but so true!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yep... been there, done that. I think everyone who has "gone on a diet" has experienced what you are going through. I think that's why people say that "diets" don't work. You really do need to change your outlook from dieting to eating healthier. Also... there is a reason weight watchers, as well as other programs, only have you weight once a week... on the same day at the same time. You do get a better indication on how you did for the week. I know that one day I can lose 3 pounds and the next day I'm back up 3 pounds. It's not accurate - your body changes daily.

    The last time I lost 17 pounds with WW it took me like 4 months to do it. It was a very slow process. Stress will kill your progress. I'd recommend sticking with your once a week weigh-in and don't obsess so much. Even one pound a week is progress.

    ReplyDelete
  3. As a person who has made the journey from size 20 to size 6 (and stayed pu tin the 6) after a lifetime of obesity, I can tell you that feeling "huge" obsessing with the scale and all of the negative self talk that you discuss here is in your head. You knew that already. But I mean to say that if your goal is to let go of obsessing about food and feel good about yourself then THAT is what you really need to focus on as you can be a size 2 and carry all those same issues with you in a new size.

    The truth is, if you have struggled with weight and have an unhealthy/abusive relationship with your body and food/exercise then losing the weight can actually exacerbate those issues bc you are so terrified of gaining still.

    I wasn't able to get healthy until I got right in my head first. I had to love myself enough to focus on how it FELT to eat clean healthy foods. I quit calorie counting and documenting. I found exercise that made me feel powerful and strong (and stuck with it long enough to begin to love it *no joke 6 months, 6 days a week running before I found one likable thing about that*).

    I learned about the effects of food on the body and how to use them to my benefit. And I don't deprive myself of ONE thing. Not one. I workout hard, I enjoy delicious not so healthy things (sometimes, too much screws with my energy level and my performance) and I dig in happily to clean whole foods everyday.

    I say all that not to say that you should do what I do. Maybe points is the way for you. But maybe it isn't. (I'm neither in favor or not, I'm in favor of anything that will result in a lasting healthy change, and I don't know enough about the new ww system to comment).

    Maybe it's time to try something new within the confines of that program. My advice would be to keep searching (with food and exercise) for things that make you FEEL good (good like happy, energetic, light) and strong. When you get hooked on healthy habits because you love them, then the scale matters so much less (and will go down, down, down).

    Also, and I'm sure you know this, but sneezing, drinking water and pooping all result in a change of weight. LOL. Measurements are better to gage progress ESP if you are strength training (are you strength training?).

    I'm new to you, but in this post I see an honest, caring and authentic woman. In a sea of people trying to be someone else you have the balls to be you. That is always inspiring! I love your etsy store! You were on HGTV!? By God you're amazing! Treat that amazing woman to healthy things bc she deserves them and f*ck the scale. It's no more a measure of you than your shoe size!

    XOXO
    Erin

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't know Erin, but I think she hit it right on the money and I <3 her and I know after you read that comment you will too!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Monica - Really listen to Erin, I don't know her either, but she has a lot of great insight that is worth reading... several times over.

    I am so sorry you are struggling internally with this journey. I can completely relate to everything that you wrote, and everything that you are feeling. For me weight loss was a long and difficult journey.. it wasn't until I started seeing a therapist regularly and rediscovered my love of running (and then cycling when I was later introduced to that) that the pieces began to come together. I needed to figure myself out, and learn to like myself before I would allow myself the freedom to stop abusing my body and abusing my relationship with food.

    Maybe for where you are in life right now, WW is no longer the right choice for you? I don't know, only you can make that decision. I think many of us who have been on and off the diet train for so long have forgotten how to listen to our bodies, and take cues from it... learn again to listen to your body.

    You have an amazing support system of people available to you, and you are such a strong and honest woman to reach out and ask for help, and share your struggles. :) Please... anything we can do to help, continue to ask.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I stumbled on to your blog and as someone who has a LOT to lose, I've beenin your position more times than I can count. It's like my brain goes into Negative Nancy mode and reminds me of all of the times I quit before... NOT PRODUCTIVE.

    2 things are keeping me focused this time - the support of the Mamavation Sistahood (www.mamavation.com) and Pete Cohen (www.weightlossguru.com)

    Both help me to keep things in perspective.

    I HIGHLY encourage you to consider joining the Mamavation sistahood. It's an INCREDIBLE group of very supportive women who either are in your shoes or have been at some point. Some are mom's, some aren't. Some work at home some work outside of the home. but we are all women, non-judgemental, supporting, and some of the best friends I've found.

    I don't know where you are in your journey, but I STRONGLY believe in you. You can push past this. You are MORE than a number on a scale. PLUS, the scale can be mean for so many reasons that don't equal actual "WEIGHT" gain...

    HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Monica, I hate to see you like this. Please don't ever give up. I look forward to seeing your awesome progress from WEEK 6, and 7... and 8... and so on, until you can't even remember how many weeks has passed since that dreaded week 1. May you never have another week 1 ever again :)

    <3ya!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love the blog. I've went too crazy at the gym on friday. I still can't walk right.

    ReplyDelete