Monica Wants It: A Lifestyle Blog: Exposed.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Exposed.

I love Twitter. I do- I honestly love, love, love Twitter. I live in a small town where friends and socializing are almost non-existent, so my tweeps mean a lot to me. I like feeling like I can connect with people who share my interests. Today, I saw the hashtag #exposed being used a lot by my diet/weight watchers/healthy living tweeps, and I started to see what the buzz was about. I was astonished, inspired and humbled by their posts. I also felt even more insecure about myself though. I’ll explain.

Mish over at Eating Journey started the Exposed movement about a year ago. I think the point of exposing yourself is to show the world you in the rawest form- unedited, unairbrushed, flaws and all to show what we love about our bodies. Positive affirmations. I read through many of the posts (you can find most of them linked up here) and felt inspired to write my own.

But no, I will not be showing pictures of myself in nearly nothing because I don’t even like seeing myself in nearly nothing. I guess maybe that’s the problem.

In reading the posts I read about how girls have felt empowered to love their bodies and have sex with the lights on. I’ve read about how they have learned to love themselves regardless of a pant size or a number on the scale. I’ve read about how their bodies give them amazing abilities like having children, giving hugs, running marathons and so much more. It’s all quite amazing. Yet if you were to ask me about my body, I’d likely complain, make a joke or avoid the subject.

My weight has always been an issue for me. I’ve always been the fat kid, the fat chick and now a fat woman. Lovely. I did manage to lose about 60 pounds from August 2002-May 2003 and I never, ever felt more beautiful in my entire life. That’s the time I met my husband, and then I gained some weight back. Then I lost weight for the wedding. And since our wedding in May 2009 I have gained back ALL my weight. Yup, I’ve gained FORTY pounds. It’s like part of me doesn’t even know how it happened, but I know damn well how it happened. I got lazy. I am lazy. I drank too many margaritas and I ate too much fast food. There’s a reason you can spell fat food by just dropping the “s”. Everyday I swear I’ll start back on Weight Watchers, and I try, but I always screw up. I am just always hungry or always obsessing over food. It kills me. No one likes feeling hungry and miserable. I complain about self-esteem issues while eating ice cream with my husband.

I have problems, people.

I think about all these things, almost daily, but again do nothing about them. It just seems so daunting to have to lose weight ALL over again. I know I need to. I would never want to be pregnant at this weight. I wear the same 5-6 outfits to work because they’re the only ones that fit. I avoid my friends’ phone calls and invitations to hang out because I don’t want them to see me and think, “Wow, she gained all the weight back.” I avoid going to routine doctor’s visits because I am afraid of being made to feel bad for the number on the scale. I don’t like being made to feel like I am a disgusting person. I am just embarrassed and ashamed of my body. My poor husband has to deal with all my issues, and it effects our marriage in many ways. I don’t feel like it’s fair to him to have a wife who never wants to do the things husbands and wives should do. I feel like I treat myself worse than anyone should ever treat a person. I berate myself, I criticize myself and I am just negative towards my body.

I hate my body.

But tonight, I am going to try to think of things that I love that I could only do with my body regardless of my weight or size.

My arms, which I am so critical of, help me carry around my gorgeous dog Pee Wee. I love him SO much.

DSC_0057

My legs help me walk around and do all the DIY projects around the house that I enjoy.

photo

My hips help me dance around to the rhythm of my favorite songs.

IMG_6348

I am a wife, a friend, a co-worker, a blogger, a tweeter, and so many more things that do not involve my weight.

Maybe in one year I can add “healthy person” to that list and then I can expose myself to you all.

But for now, I just hope to be strong enough to get back on the path towards a healthier lifestyle and to love myself more. If I don’t, who will?

12 comments:

  1. You might think that you hate your body....but you are a beautiful person inside & out and I think this post proves just how strong you are. :) Big hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Such a wonderful post!! I have lost 82 pounds. Started 10+ months ago at just over 300 lbs. Yes ma'am, 300 lbs. I don't feel happy enough with how I look (yet!!) to show pictures of me naked. Some days I don't feel satisfied enough with myself to take pictures at all...and that's 80 pounds later! It took me a looooong time to own up to looking at the scale and seeing 300. It took me a long time to admit it to the world. Once I did, I started healing in my head and my heart. I don't think that I am sexy and lovely yet, and maybe I never will think that. But I AM on the road to being as healthy as I can be. Because no one...absolutely NO ONE...can choose to live a healthy life (so you get to live a happy, longer life) except for you. You are a beautiful person. You are a worthwhile person. When you are ready, you will do what you need to do, for you.

    I don't even know you and I believe that about you already. =) Why? Because you were brave and strong enough to write THIS inspirational, heartfelt blog.

    Good luck!!

    Janece
    @gourmetmama

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love your honesty. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I am proud of you for putting yourself out there!

    I plan to Expose tomorrow... I am not anywhere NEAR my goal weight and struggle daily with trying to lose weight, but I am trying to focus on what my body has done and CAN do and embrace it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. My husband loves me a little bigger. I gained about 60-70 pounds with my first pregnancy. 20 of it stayed after he was born, and with my daughter, I gained a more respectable amount, but again, could not lose that last 20. I did WW over the summer and lost about 15 of it, and am now closer to my pre-pregnancy weight, and I feel awesome. But my husband keeps trying to feed me cake and ice cream. :o) I love that he doesn't mind if I'm voluptuous, but I find it harder to love myself at that weight.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Such a great post! Glad you exposed yourself!

    You should be proud of all you have done and all that your amazing body can do.

    Youre beautiful and a rockstar! <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh my heavens, can I relate to EVERYTHING that you've written. Wanna go for coffee? AND, I wouldn't care what you weighed..because your words of powerful, raw, exposed, and beautiful.

    There's so much I could relate to in your post, because after losing 135+lbs I've gained almost 40lbs back. I TO think "tomorrow I'll start WW again" to then shove cake in my face. I TO think "I think about all these things, almost daily, but again do nothing about them. It just seems so daunting to have to lose weight ALL over again". I TO have four outfits. I TO obsess.

    However, I have stopped letting it run my life. I used to hide away, have only dated one person in my life (which ended up being abusive) and am still struggling w/ body image issues.

    What I am learning and wrapping around in my head is that if I continue to feed "the voice" that holds me back then I'll live a pretty crap life. This is just me. I would say to just do one nice thing for yourself each day. Show your mind/spirit/body LOVE (this is what I am focusing on). It's not about weight, but it's NOT NOT about weight either. "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth has helped me so much (it's not Christian, it's a loose interpretation of God)..perhaps a quick skim at a book store.

    Thanks again for writing this. I get what you're saying.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You don't have to post a picture without clothes to expose yourself. This was so revealing with just words.

    This was a beautiful post filled with honesty. I really loved reading it. (And finding your blog through this!)

    You are so beautiful (I assume that's you in the dress?) both inside in out.

    thank you for this post!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your words are touching and meaningful...and they are because they reach into your soul. You ARE an amazing person...ALL of you...every bit of you...every single bit. Your body. Your heart. Your truth. YOU...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Girl, you are so much more than your body. You are one of the most earnest, caring and loving people that I know, online and off.

    We are so much more than our bodies and we all have our issues with them. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. Most of all, I wish that wand was around to change how other people perceive and judge others so openly. If we weren't so busy cutting people down, we would all love ourselves so much more. (that rant is brought to you by the person that said that said that I looked like a skeleton last week while I was wearing my new bathing suit last week!)

    Anything that I can do to help you and I love our bodies more, I am in for!

    ReplyDelete
  10. great post, monica!
    i really hope that one day you'll see how beautiful your husband and all of us believe you are.

    stay strong,
    alexia.

    ReplyDelete
  11. What a great post. Thank you for the honesty. It is refreshing. You have got me thinking about doing an Exposed post.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are so beautiful, Monica! Don't think differently, or let anyone tell you differently! I am so proud of you for doing this!

    ReplyDelete

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Exposed.

I love Twitter. I do- I honestly love, love, love Twitter. I live in a small town where friends and socializing are almost non-existent, so my tweeps mean a lot to me. I like feeling like I can connect with people who share my interests. Today, I saw the hashtag #exposed being used a lot by my diet/weight watchers/healthy living tweeps, and I started to see what the buzz was about. I was astonished, inspired and humbled by their posts. I also felt even more insecure about myself though. I’ll explain.

Mish over at Eating Journey started the Exposed movement about a year ago. I think the point of exposing yourself is to show the world you in the rawest form- unedited, unairbrushed, flaws and all to show what we love about our bodies. Positive affirmations. I read through many of the posts (you can find most of them linked up here) and felt inspired to write my own.

But no, I will not be showing pictures of myself in nearly nothing because I don’t even like seeing myself in nearly nothing. I guess maybe that’s the problem.

In reading the posts I read about how girls have felt empowered to love their bodies and have sex with the lights on. I’ve read about how they have learned to love themselves regardless of a pant size or a number on the scale. I’ve read about how their bodies give them amazing abilities like having children, giving hugs, running marathons and so much more. It’s all quite amazing. Yet if you were to ask me about my body, I’d likely complain, make a joke or avoid the subject.

My weight has always been an issue for me. I’ve always been the fat kid, the fat chick and now a fat woman. Lovely. I did manage to lose about 60 pounds from August 2002-May 2003 and I never, ever felt more beautiful in my entire life. That’s the time I met my husband, and then I gained some weight back. Then I lost weight for the wedding. And since our wedding in May 2009 I have gained back ALL my weight. Yup, I’ve gained FORTY pounds. It’s like part of me doesn’t even know how it happened, but I know damn well how it happened. I got lazy. I am lazy. I drank too many margaritas and I ate too much fast food. There’s a reason you can spell fat food by just dropping the “s”. Everyday I swear I’ll start back on Weight Watchers, and I try, but I always screw up. I am just always hungry or always obsessing over food. It kills me. No one likes feeling hungry and miserable. I complain about self-esteem issues while eating ice cream with my husband.

I have problems, people.

I think about all these things, almost daily, but again do nothing about them. It just seems so daunting to have to lose weight ALL over again. I know I need to. I would never want to be pregnant at this weight. I wear the same 5-6 outfits to work because they’re the only ones that fit. I avoid my friends’ phone calls and invitations to hang out because I don’t want them to see me and think, “Wow, she gained all the weight back.” I avoid going to routine doctor’s visits because I am afraid of being made to feel bad for the number on the scale. I don’t like being made to feel like I am a disgusting person. I am just embarrassed and ashamed of my body. My poor husband has to deal with all my issues, and it effects our marriage in many ways. I don’t feel like it’s fair to him to have a wife who never wants to do the things husbands and wives should do. I feel like I treat myself worse than anyone should ever treat a person. I berate myself, I criticize myself and I am just negative towards my body.

I hate my body.

But tonight, I am going to try to think of things that I love that I could only do with my body regardless of my weight or size.

My arms, which I am so critical of, help me carry around my gorgeous dog Pee Wee. I love him SO much.

DSC_0057

My legs help me walk around and do all the DIY projects around the house that I enjoy.

photo

My hips help me dance around to the rhythm of my favorite songs.

IMG_6348

I am a wife, a friend, a co-worker, a blogger, a tweeter, and so many more things that do not involve my weight.

Maybe in one year I can add “healthy person” to that list and then I can expose myself to you all.

But for now, I just hope to be strong enough to get back on the path towards a healthier lifestyle and to love myself more. If I don’t, who will?

12 comments :

  1. You might think that you hate your body....but you are a beautiful person inside & out and I think this post proves just how strong you are. :) Big hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Such a wonderful post!! I have lost 82 pounds. Started 10+ months ago at just over 300 lbs. Yes ma'am, 300 lbs. I don't feel happy enough with how I look (yet!!) to show pictures of me naked. Some days I don't feel satisfied enough with myself to take pictures at all...and that's 80 pounds later! It took me a looooong time to own up to looking at the scale and seeing 300. It took me a long time to admit it to the world. Once I did, I started healing in my head and my heart. I don't think that I am sexy and lovely yet, and maybe I never will think that. But I AM on the road to being as healthy as I can be. Because no one...absolutely NO ONE...can choose to live a healthy life (so you get to live a happy, longer life) except for you. You are a beautiful person. You are a worthwhile person. When you are ready, you will do what you need to do, for you.

    I don't even know you and I believe that about you already. =) Why? Because you were brave and strong enough to write THIS inspirational, heartfelt blog.

    Good luck!!

    Janece
    @gourmetmama

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love your honesty. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I am proud of you for putting yourself out there!

    I plan to Expose tomorrow... I am not anywhere NEAR my goal weight and struggle daily with trying to lose weight, but I am trying to focus on what my body has done and CAN do and embrace it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. My husband loves me a little bigger. I gained about 60-70 pounds with my first pregnancy. 20 of it stayed after he was born, and with my daughter, I gained a more respectable amount, but again, could not lose that last 20. I did WW over the summer and lost about 15 of it, and am now closer to my pre-pregnancy weight, and I feel awesome. But my husband keeps trying to feed me cake and ice cream. :o) I love that he doesn't mind if I'm voluptuous, but I find it harder to love myself at that weight.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Such a great post! Glad you exposed yourself!

    You should be proud of all you have done and all that your amazing body can do.

    Youre beautiful and a rockstar! <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh my heavens, can I relate to EVERYTHING that you've written. Wanna go for coffee? AND, I wouldn't care what you weighed..because your words of powerful, raw, exposed, and beautiful.

    There's so much I could relate to in your post, because after losing 135+lbs I've gained almost 40lbs back. I TO think "tomorrow I'll start WW again" to then shove cake in my face. I TO think "I think about all these things, almost daily, but again do nothing about them. It just seems so daunting to have to lose weight ALL over again". I TO have four outfits. I TO obsess.

    However, I have stopped letting it run my life. I used to hide away, have only dated one person in my life (which ended up being abusive) and am still struggling w/ body image issues.

    What I am learning and wrapping around in my head is that if I continue to feed "the voice" that holds me back then I'll live a pretty crap life. This is just me. I would say to just do one nice thing for yourself each day. Show your mind/spirit/body LOVE (this is what I am focusing on). It's not about weight, but it's NOT NOT about weight either. "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth has helped me so much (it's not Christian, it's a loose interpretation of God)..perhaps a quick skim at a book store.

    Thanks again for writing this. I get what you're saying.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You don't have to post a picture without clothes to expose yourself. This was so revealing with just words.

    This was a beautiful post filled with honesty. I really loved reading it. (And finding your blog through this!)

    You are so beautiful (I assume that's you in the dress?) both inside in out.

    thank you for this post!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your words are touching and meaningful...and they are because they reach into your soul. You ARE an amazing person...ALL of you...every bit of you...every single bit. Your body. Your heart. Your truth. YOU...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Girl, you are so much more than your body. You are one of the most earnest, caring and loving people that I know, online and off.

    We are so much more than our bodies and we all have our issues with them. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. Most of all, I wish that wand was around to change how other people perceive and judge others so openly. If we weren't so busy cutting people down, we would all love ourselves so much more. (that rant is brought to you by the person that said that said that I looked like a skeleton last week while I was wearing my new bathing suit last week!)

    Anything that I can do to help you and I love our bodies more, I am in for!

    ReplyDelete
  10. great post, monica!
    i really hope that one day you'll see how beautiful your husband and all of us believe you are.

    stay strong,
    alexia.

    ReplyDelete
  11. What a great post. Thank you for the honesty. It is refreshing. You have got me thinking about doing an Exposed post.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are so beautiful, Monica! Don't think differently, or let anyone tell you differently! I am so proud of you for doing this!

    ReplyDelete