Monica Wants It: A Lifestyle Blog: Insert Britney Spears Lyric Here.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Insert Britney Spears Lyric Here.

I just can’t think of a Britney Spears lyric or song that sums up what happened to me today.

This post is not going to be particularly cheery or uplifting, so if you’re looking for that read about my day 1 or my day 2 of C25K training.

I was really excited to do my 3rd day of training today. I got up, felt well rested, and I was genuinely excited to do this today. I got dressed, drove to the track, and started on my workout.

During the 5 minute warm-up, I felt good. It is a nice day, not too hot. I’m cool.

The first run comes up, and off I go. I am about 30 seconds into it when I need to pass up some guys who are strolling and taking up the whole track. They finally let me pass through and I hear the guy call me a “chunky girl”.

Assholes. They were fat men. I’d rather be chunky than straight up fat like they were.

Losers.

But I kept going, and finally it was time to walk. I walked and I was really hurting. Usually I am not hurting this much until the 6th+ run, and I had just finished run #1. I had 8 more to go! There’s 9 runs, not 8 like I previously said.

And run #2 is upon me, and it starts raining. But I am still cool, I am alright. I know that rainshowers here are brief. I also thanked myself for not bothering to straighten my hair, because that would have been a waste of time.

Then I walk. Slowly. Oh-so-very-slowly. I am in a serious amount of pain. Run #3 is about to start and I don’t start running. Instead I fiddle with my iPhone to pause my workout. I pause it, and I walk off the track to try to do some stretches, and I walk.

Finally, I try giving run #3 my best shot, and I make it through. And I walk again.

Then I start crying. Run #4 comes up, and I just decide to not continue since I am already back at the starting point and by my car.

Once I get in my car, I just start sobbing. I don’t know why. Part of it is that I was/am in a terrible amount of pain. I can’t even bend over or squat down without having Daniel just pick up whatever it is I need. Another part is that yesterday I ate too much, and when I weighed myself this morning I was up 0.6. It’s devastating to be the fat girl all the time. Some people can say they’ve been skinny and then gained weight; I cannot say that. I’ve never, ever been at a healthy weight. And I’m always the fat friend/3rd wheel that you keep around to complete the circle of friends.

And today I truly feel like I am doomed to be this way. I know I obviously got myself to this point. I know I was, in fact, 20 lbs. lighter than I am now just 7 short months ago. I know today I have been married exactly 7 months, and that my poor husband endures more than any guy probably should ever have to of my craziness. My issues with my weight really effect every single part of my life. It keeps me from wanting to see friends, keeps me from wanting to go out, keeps me from wanting to go to work since my pants are too tight and I refuse to go up a size- again, and it keeps me from being confident and happy. Yet, when I try to do something about it, I feel like I never succeed in the long run. I may have 1 great week on Weight Watchers or Turbo Jam, and then I just stop. Give up. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am unhappy here. Lonely, even. I just have Daniel and Pee Wee. No friends, no social life. Which might explain the insane amount of hours I am on the computer- it’s like you all are my friends.

This post has gotten really heavy, I do apologize for that, but I know that many people do e-mail after these posts saying they can totally relate and so I just keep putting it out there. I even got one e-mail asking if I like weighed 400 pounds or something since I make myself out to be a whale. No, I do not weigh 400 pounds- my weight actually does begin with a 1, but your e-mail did make me giggle.

I don’t know if I gave up today, but I know I couldn’t finish. I know working out is difficult (especially this whole running thing), and it’s definitely mind over matter, but bottom line- I am in pain. Like literally. I don’t know if I am still really sore and need to chill out a bit or if I screwed something up, but I just couldn’t do day 3 today. My week 2 starts on Saturday which gives me tomorrow and Friday to get my head back in the game.

And I want to end this post with a tribute to 2 people who mean the world to me. Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of my granny’s passing, and on Friday will be 9 years that my daddy has been gone. Yes, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day- you read that right- the holidays are rough for me. I love you both dearly.

-Mon

 granny

And one of the very few pictures I have with my dad- this is my fave:

dadandme

8 comments:

  1. Well, I don't know enough Britney songs to help you find a lyric, but I do know how you feel. The 'skinniest' I've ever been was 153 pounds, and I think I'm probably about 100 over that right now, but I don't know because I'm too scared to weigh myself. That was 4 years ago I think. I only have myself to blame. I don't work out, even though I have time, and I eat bad foods and a lot of them. Jason and I are planning on going back on Atkins after Christmas or New Year's. If you're in pain, don't run, and if that happens again, don't try to run again, just walk. Walking is better than nothing, right? Try a yogalates workout if you don't think you can walk or run for a day, very relaxing and basically just stretches you and tones. But hang in there sweetie, I am like waaaaaay bigger than you, so when you're with me you're not the 'fat friend', I am. :P

    ReplyDelete
  2. Monica,

    I recently did a 5k training, and I know what you are going through. I'd encourage you to do this, get back out there and to do a few more minutes. You don't have to do the whole workout at one time, you can break it up into two or three parts. Just do it. Or walk more, walking is wonderful for you. Just don't give up. I'm a serial quitter and I know that everytime I quit, it makes it that much harder for me to keep something up the next time. Good luck, and I hope you feel better!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I did the C25K training (and I'm in great shape) and I found out that I S-U-C-K at running. I ended up not finishing it. I think you might be doing too much too fast...try walking a little longer or if you can get to a gym, try the elliptical. It's not as hard on your body as running is. Also, you might try making a list of goals for yourself. You already make yourself accountable online, so you've got that part down. Make a list of tiny goals that lead to a bigger goal. Just saying, "I want to lose 30lb" is hard to accomplish. For example, I really wanted to be able to curl using the 40lb EZ bar. It took me a long time, but I can do it! My next goal is to do shoulder presses using 20lb dumbbells. I'm a long way off from that, but I know that each time I press with the 15lb dumbbells, I'm getting that much closer to my mini-goal. Some days are harder than others; I might not be able to lift as much or do as many reps, but I still try. No matter how skinny or fat we are, we're all still unhappy with ourselves somehow. Find something that makes you happy and do that. Running made me want to punch myself in the face....so I quit doing that and am focusing on things that I do like such as weight lifting and trying out new classes out at the gym. Find your happiness and go with it. You can do it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aww Sweetie, we all have our off days and if you are in pain, you have got to dial it down a notch.
    So what if you didn't achieve your goal today. Is there another thing that you can do that will still be moving forward to your main goal?

    Like maybe research on foods for fuel, or better shoes to take care of your tootsies, etc.

    Tomorrow is a brand new day to start again. I remember when I would go through a crappy ordeal years ago, I would tell myself, "New Day, New Attitude."

    You know that I need to get more fit too maybe we can be long distance running buddies? We could be on the phone, doing it at the same time in our respective states.

    You totally have the desire to do this, we just have to find the right way to motivate you through the tougher times.

    You have a big cheering section at our house and I have a lot of new rocks to throw at the idiots:)

    My your Granny and Daddy being resting in peace and smiling down on you.

    Think about the virtual running buddy thing though. it might be good for both of us.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You're the same person inside, no matter how big or small the outside package is.
    Don't let your size [or others who don't know you] define you.

    I once had some dudes in a bar call me a dyke- apparently because of my very short [becoming] hair cut? As if that should have been an insult of some kind? And I should care what they think why?
    Who knows, and more importantly, who cares?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Let me start by offering you a big {{{HUG}}} for the overwhelming emotions you experience this time of year. Now, I want you to remember one thing in your life that you accomplished that made you proud (i.e. getting married recently). How did it make you feel? How focused did you stay on that goal? Did you have up days and down days? Of course you did! Remember those feelings. That's where your head has to be to get fit and stay fit. Running may or may not be the activity that suits you. I wrote an article about that once. Everyone must find an activity that works for them. I don't like running. My mom likes swimming. I like Beachbody workout videos. My best friend is a gym rat. We're all different. The one thing we know is you are going to succeed because you have already DECIDED to do it. That's the first step in anything we endeavor. Stay in touch, girl. You can find me at http://JustGetMeFit.com Julie

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just have to say that even when i was in really good shape, I tried the C25K program and it was VERY hard. I actually abandoned it and trained on my own terms, at my own pace. I ran my first 5K in October. I also want to echo what others have said about finding what works for you. I'll never be a distance runner. I just don't enjoy running much. I was always athletic, I played soccer and basketball and any other pick-up game that was going on. But just running for the sake of running is hard for me. Anyway, just take some time to regroup and assess what you really enjoy and you'll find the avenue to an active lifestyle that works for you. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  8. This post reminded me of an article I read in a magazine & I've been trying to find it ever since. Finally found it in O magazine:
    http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200912-omag-mother-daughter-weight-loss

    And by no means am I saying you are "fat", the article just reminded me of your struggle & self image. I think the most important thing is that you are healthy and happy, no matter what size you are!

    ReplyDelete

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Insert Britney Spears Lyric Here.

I just can’t think of a Britney Spears lyric or song that sums up what happened to me today.

This post is not going to be particularly cheery or uplifting, so if you’re looking for that read about my day 1 or my day 2 of C25K training.

I was really excited to do my 3rd day of training today. I got up, felt well rested, and I was genuinely excited to do this today. I got dressed, drove to the track, and started on my workout.

During the 5 minute warm-up, I felt good. It is a nice day, not too hot. I’m cool.

The first run comes up, and off I go. I am about 30 seconds into it when I need to pass up some guys who are strolling and taking up the whole track. They finally let me pass through and I hear the guy call me a “chunky girl”.

Assholes. They were fat men. I’d rather be chunky than straight up fat like they were.

Losers.

But I kept going, and finally it was time to walk. I walked and I was really hurting. Usually I am not hurting this much until the 6th+ run, and I had just finished run #1. I had 8 more to go! There’s 9 runs, not 8 like I previously said.

And run #2 is upon me, and it starts raining. But I am still cool, I am alright. I know that rainshowers here are brief. I also thanked myself for not bothering to straighten my hair, because that would have been a waste of time.

Then I walk. Slowly. Oh-so-very-slowly. I am in a serious amount of pain. Run #3 is about to start and I don’t start running. Instead I fiddle with my iPhone to pause my workout. I pause it, and I walk off the track to try to do some stretches, and I walk.

Finally, I try giving run #3 my best shot, and I make it through. And I walk again.

Then I start crying. Run #4 comes up, and I just decide to not continue since I am already back at the starting point and by my car.

Once I get in my car, I just start sobbing. I don’t know why. Part of it is that I was/am in a terrible amount of pain. I can’t even bend over or squat down without having Daniel just pick up whatever it is I need. Another part is that yesterday I ate too much, and when I weighed myself this morning I was up 0.6. It’s devastating to be the fat girl all the time. Some people can say they’ve been skinny and then gained weight; I cannot say that. I’ve never, ever been at a healthy weight. And I’m always the fat friend/3rd wheel that you keep around to complete the circle of friends.

And today I truly feel like I am doomed to be this way. I know I obviously got myself to this point. I know I was, in fact, 20 lbs. lighter than I am now just 7 short months ago. I know today I have been married exactly 7 months, and that my poor husband endures more than any guy probably should ever have to of my craziness. My issues with my weight really effect every single part of my life. It keeps me from wanting to see friends, keeps me from wanting to go out, keeps me from wanting to go to work since my pants are too tight and I refuse to go up a size- again, and it keeps me from being confident and happy. Yet, when I try to do something about it, I feel like I never succeed in the long run. I may have 1 great week on Weight Watchers or Turbo Jam, and then I just stop. Give up. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am unhappy here. Lonely, even. I just have Daniel and Pee Wee. No friends, no social life. Which might explain the insane amount of hours I am on the computer- it’s like you all are my friends.

This post has gotten really heavy, I do apologize for that, but I know that many people do e-mail after these posts saying they can totally relate and so I just keep putting it out there. I even got one e-mail asking if I like weighed 400 pounds or something since I make myself out to be a whale. No, I do not weigh 400 pounds- my weight actually does begin with a 1, but your e-mail did make me giggle.

I don’t know if I gave up today, but I know I couldn’t finish. I know working out is difficult (especially this whole running thing), and it’s definitely mind over matter, but bottom line- I am in pain. Like literally. I don’t know if I am still really sore and need to chill out a bit or if I screwed something up, but I just couldn’t do day 3 today. My week 2 starts on Saturday which gives me tomorrow and Friday to get my head back in the game.

And I want to end this post with a tribute to 2 people who mean the world to me. Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of my granny’s passing, and on Friday will be 9 years that my daddy has been gone. Yes, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day- you read that right- the holidays are rough for me. I love you both dearly.

-Mon

 granny

And one of the very few pictures I have with my dad- this is my fave:

dadandme

8 comments :

  1. Well, I don't know enough Britney songs to help you find a lyric, but I do know how you feel. The 'skinniest' I've ever been was 153 pounds, and I think I'm probably about 100 over that right now, but I don't know because I'm too scared to weigh myself. That was 4 years ago I think. I only have myself to blame. I don't work out, even though I have time, and I eat bad foods and a lot of them. Jason and I are planning on going back on Atkins after Christmas or New Year's. If you're in pain, don't run, and if that happens again, don't try to run again, just walk. Walking is better than nothing, right? Try a yogalates workout if you don't think you can walk or run for a day, very relaxing and basically just stretches you and tones. But hang in there sweetie, I am like waaaaaay bigger than you, so when you're with me you're not the 'fat friend', I am. :P

    ReplyDelete
  2. Monica,

    I recently did a 5k training, and I know what you are going through. I'd encourage you to do this, get back out there and to do a few more minutes. You don't have to do the whole workout at one time, you can break it up into two or three parts. Just do it. Or walk more, walking is wonderful for you. Just don't give up. I'm a serial quitter and I know that everytime I quit, it makes it that much harder for me to keep something up the next time. Good luck, and I hope you feel better!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I did the C25K training (and I'm in great shape) and I found out that I S-U-C-K at running. I ended up not finishing it. I think you might be doing too much too fast...try walking a little longer or if you can get to a gym, try the elliptical. It's not as hard on your body as running is. Also, you might try making a list of goals for yourself. You already make yourself accountable online, so you've got that part down. Make a list of tiny goals that lead to a bigger goal. Just saying, "I want to lose 30lb" is hard to accomplish. For example, I really wanted to be able to curl using the 40lb EZ bar. It took me a long time, but I can do it! My next goal is to do shoulder presses using 20lb dumbbells. I'm a long way off from that, but I know that each time I press with the 15lb dumbbells, I'm getting that much closer to my mini-goal. Some days are harder than others; I might not be able to lift as much or do as many reps, but I still try. No matter how skinny or fat we are, we're all still unhappy with ourselves somehow. Find something that makes you happy and do that. Running made me want to punch myself in the face....so I quit doing that and am focusing on things that I do like such as weight lifting and trying out new classes out at the gym. Find your happiness and go with it. You can do it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aww Sweetie, we all have our off days and if you are in pain, you have got to dial it down a notch.
    So what if you didn't achieve your goal today. Is there another thing that you can do that will still be moving forward to your main goal?

    Like maybe research on foods for fuel, or better shoes to take care of your tootsies, etc.

    Tomorrow is a brand new day to start again. I remember when I would go through a crappy ordeal years ago, I would tell myself, "New Day, New Attitude."

    You know that I need to get more fit too maybe we can be long distance running buddies? We could be on the phone, doing it at the same time in our respective states.

    You totally have the desire to do this, we just have to find the right way to motivate you through the tougher times.

    You have a big cheering section at our house and I have a lot of new rocks to throw at the idiots:)

    My your Granny and Daddy being resting in peace and smiling down on you.

    Think about the virtual running buddy thing though. it might be good for both of us.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You're the same person inside, no matter how big or small the outside package is.
    Don't let your size [or others who don't know you] define you.

    I once had some dudes in a bar call me a dyke- apparently because of my very short [becoming] hair cut? As if that should have been an insult of some kind? And I should care what they think why?
    Who knows, and more importantly, who cares?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Let me start by offering you a big {{{HUG}}} for the overwhelming emotions you experience this time of year. Now, I want you to remember one thing in your life that you accomplished that made you proud (i.e. getting married recently). How did it make you feel? How focused did you stay on that goal? Did you have up days and down days? Of course you did! Remember those feelings. That's where your head has to be to get fit and stay fit. Running may or may not be the activity that suits you. I wrote an article about that once. Everyone must find an activity that works for them. I don't like running. My mom likes swimming. I like Beachbody workout videos. My best friend is a gym rat. We're all different. The one thing we know is you are going to succeed because you have already DECIDED to do it. That's the first step in anything we endeavor. Stay in touch, girl. You can find me at http://JustGetMeFit.com Julie

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just have to say that even when i was in really good shape, I tried the C25K program and it was VERY hard. I actually abandoned it and trained on my own terms, at my own pace. I ran my first 5K in October. I also want to echo what others have said about finding what works for you. I'll never be a distance runner. I just don't enjoy running much. I was always athletic, I played soccer and basketball and any other pick-up game that was going on. But just running for the sake of running is hard for me. Anyway, just take some time to regroup and assess what you really enjoy and you'll find the avenue to an active lifestyle that works for you. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  8. This post reminded me of an article I read in a magazine & I've been trying to find it ever since. Finally found it in O magazine:
    http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200912-omag-mother-daughter-weight-loss

    And by no means am I saying you are "fat", the article just reminded me of your struggle & self image. I think the most important thing is that you are healthy and happy, no matter what size you are!

    ReplyDelete